


Before The Saber Swings

by WaterlilyRose



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bittersweet, Childhood Memories, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Force Bond (Star Wars), Imprisonment, Pining, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Rating May Change, Redemption, Rey Kenobi, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6564922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterlilyRose/pseuds/WaterlilyRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night before his execution, Kylo Ren asks to see Rey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Any Requests?

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Пока не вспыхнул меч](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10405758) by [Astronautka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronautka/pseuds/Astronautka)



> I've had this idea in my head for a while. It was meant to be a one-shot but it needed to be longer for me to be happy with it. 
> 
> Kylo Ren is such a complex character who Adam Driver played beautifully.

They had moved him into a more spacious and furnished cell since the trial. This one had a bed that was more than just a bundle of rags on the floor and a table and chair. All bolted down, of course.

 

It was almost cosy in a Spartan kind of way. Kylo had never much seen the point of trinkets and useless decoration. If it wasn't essential to him, he did without it.

 

The past two weeks had been almost peaceful in comparison to the weeks prior to his capture. He had been dragged to Naboo where the Resistance had set up a new base following their victory. He had been presented as a prisoner to the rebels where General Organa set eyes on her only child as a grown man for the first time. Most expected him to drop his eyes so naturally he went out of his way to disappoint them by refusing to so much as blink in her presence.

 

He had been surprised by how small she was. He had always remembered her being this presence that commanded respect, loyalty and utter obedience. It seemed to have elevated her to at least mid height in his mind.

 

Yet here she stood. Not even coming up to his collarbone, greying, tired… resolute. (Maybe it hadn't all been boyish imaginings.)

 

He had been forced to remain on his knees as a list of his offences where read out by Dameron who looked like he was enjoying every minute of this. He spotted the traitor Stormtrooper not far from the pilot's side, glowering down at him. A sea of faces all looking at him in disgust. Not much was new there. He saw none of them though as he scanned the crowd.

 

_Where was she?_

 

He couldn't sense her in the crowd but she was here. Somewhere. Hiding? No, that wasn't her style. Preparing… yes, that seemed more likely.

 

General Organa didn't visit him in the days leading up to the trial. She didn't have to. He could feel everything that was going through her mind from half a Palace away. Grief, fear, duty, despair, yearning, anger, but mostly sadness. Overwhelming sadness. For what was to be, what had been and what could have been.

 

Kylo didn't allow his shields to drop. They had never had a traditional mother-son bond but, despite all he had done against all she had worked for, some things were best taken with you to the end.

 

The trial was held on Coruscant at the old Senate where Palpatine himself had once stood. The public demanded justice and why not give them a show, Kylo reasoned.

 

Hux was also there to stand alongside him. It amused him somewhat to see his former comrade looking dishevelled and livid at his situation. His normally slicked-back hair was falling limply into his eyes and his uniform was dirty. Kylo had at least been given the option to bathe before this circus started. Maybe his mother was making life easier than he had anticipated.

 

Phasma had met her fate on the battleground so it was just the two of them left.

 

A list of their grievances were read out. Kylo was given opportunity to speak but refused. Enough had been said. Hux wasn't so keen on the silent and accepting approach and ranted on and loudly about the virtues of the First Order. Predictably the Senate went into uproar at the reasoning and Hux just yelled all the louder (the man had a set of lungs on him; he wouldn't have made so many speeches for the First Order if he didn't.)

 

In the end none of it really mattered. The verdict was a foregone conclusion.

 

The verdict: Guilty. The sentence: Death.

 

Kylo felt her presence in the arena-like room but it was so vast and there were so many faces that he didn't even try to see her.

 

She was here. That was enough.

 

* * *

 

Kylo spent the first two days after the trial completely alone except for the service droids who brought him food. He had been taken to his new cell back on Naboo and left there. Some people had taken umbridge to the fact his quarters were being improved. Funnily enough, a guard posted outside his door gave the best argument in his defence.

 

“ _He's already a dead man. What harm can it do now?”_

 

Kylo spent that time meditating and thinking over things. Life on The Finalizer had always been about the moment. Looking back would have unravelled his mind altogether.

 

_A few temper tantrums were nothing in comparison, he mused wryly._

 

His first human visitor was Dameron three days later. There was no preamble.

 

“Your execution day is scheduled. It will be when the three moons align above Naboo.”

 

Ten days. More time than he expected.

 

“I take it that it will be public.” He didn't voice it as a question.

 

Dameron shifted. He almost looked uncomfortable.

 

“It will be on the steps of the palace.”

 

“Hmm.” Kylo nodded. Dameron was looking at him oddly. A mixture of dislike and confusion in his eyes. Kylo's lips quirked into a smile. “You expected me to be frightened.”

 

Dameron stood up all the straighter. “I don't expect emotion from monsters.” Kylo smiled wider. That was more like it.

 

“Anything else?”

 

The pilot shifted some more.

 

“Is there anything you require?” It looked like it hurt him to ask. They weren't adapt at making each other comfortable. “Any last wishes?”

 

Kylo Ren pushed down the desire to irritate Dameron further and thought it over. He was sufficiently fed and had what was needed for relative comfort. It was quiet for a moment before he spoke again.

 

“Tell her I'm waiting.”

 

Dameron raised an eyebrow. “The General believes you would not want to-”

 

“I'm not talking about the General.”

 

“Well, then, who?”

 

Kylo tried to smirk but was fairly confident it look rather wistful instead of cocky.

 

“You know who.”

 

* * *

 

Kylo had a window in his cell and he was housed high enough to see the steps of the palace. The people of Naboo would be given a good view from there. At noon tomorrow, the view from those steps would be the last he would ever see.

 

Hux had gone to his death with sneering anger. The crowd expected humility and jeered at his arrogance. It had been relatively clean. Blast bolt to the back of the head. No messing about. Kylo had watched. He had felt almost admiration for him. They had never been friends but he hadn't gone meekly to his fate. That was a trait that was as impressive as it was foolhardy.

 

Kylo was oddly calm. He'd not felt an extreme of emotion for at least three weeks since he was captured. The rage and fear were still there (would always be there) but beyond anything he felt a bone weary tiredness.

 

Because he was. He was so tired. He had not had a decent nights sleep for seventeen years. And he wouldn't sleep until she came.

 

He had tried to reach out to her. Her shields were iron tight from her training with Skywalker though and unlike the General, whom had never had the training to shield her mind, he couldn't read her thoughts.

 

There was a part of him that was starting to feel the fear rise up. It was his last night and if she didn't come…

 

So much would die with him.

 

The sun was setting over Naboo when he felt her presence stronger than he ever had before. He didn't turn around as the door opened. He kept looking at the sun and let her light goodness bathe him better than any dusk could dream of doing.

 

“I was told you wanted to see me.”

 

Her voice was clearly trying to sound bored or indifferent. It was trying anyway.

 

“Yes. About two weeks ago.” Kylo replied wryly. He turned away from the window and looked on her.

 

Wrapped in a tunic and pants provided by the Jedi academy, she had come a long way since he had chased her through the forest of Takodana. She had been terrified of him and had shot blindly to keep him away. Now she came before him with the posture of a soldier and had clearly been taking tips from the General in schooling her features.

 

But some things were completely unchanged.

 

She still wore her hair in that odd little three bun do.

 

She still had a dusting of freckles over the bridge of her nose.

 

She was still terrified.


	2. Hallway Doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. They mean so much. This chapter showcases mainly Rey's POV. 
> 
> Also, Star Wars is released in Britain tomorrow! Going to wait at the door for it to arrive. Even booked the day off work to watch it over and over.

“I had duties.” She spat.

 

“What duties?” Kylo scoffed. “Keeping the empire safe? I'd say this force restricting cell is doing your job for you.”

 

“As remarkable as it might seem, the world does not revolve around you.” Her freckles looked more prominent when she was angry, he noted with amusement. She looked around the cell. “Why do you want to see me?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“It's a bit odd to have a catch-up with an enemy on the eve of...” she trailed off. She quickly looked out of the window.

 

“You're not my enemy. You never were.”

 

He moved away from the window and sat down on the chair by the desk. His bones ached. Oh, if only he could sleep.

 

“What am I then?”

 

“You're my guest.”

 

A breath rushed out of her nose almost close to a snort. “I think it's safe to say _you_ are _our_ guest.”

 

She looked at him again and slowly sat herself down on his bed so they were directly facing each other.

 

“Your mother is struggling. I can feel it.” Rey announced and looked down at her hands. “I don't know what to say to her. What can I say to this?”

 

“It's not your job to take on her troubles.”

 

“Someone has to!” Her eyes pierce his again. He knows she's thinking about what happened on that bridge when he took away the only person who could have had an inkling to what Leia Organa was going through.

 

Let her hate him. She doesn't have any reason not to.

 

“I'm sure the General and me will speak at some point tomorrow. Until then, let it be.”

 

Rey didn't seem to miss the irony of taking advice from Kylo Ren but stayed silent.

 

“You haven't answered my question” Rey pressed. “Why did you want to see me?”

 

Kylo crossed his hands over his lap.

 

“Granted, I haven't much experience in this line of tradition but it seems common practise for a condemned man to have a final talk about his life the night before the big event. As we don't have many elderly Jedi left to hear me and there is no way I'm going to call your Master, you seem as good a choice as any.”

 

Rey was clearly prepared for most things but not that.

 

* * *

 

“You want me to be your… confessor?” Rey rolled the words over her tongue to try and see if they tasted any better coming from her mouth. She was disappointed; they still sounded baffling and darkly comedic.

 

Kylo merely shrugged. “To a certain extent. You already know more about me than my own family. And all my sins have been publicly read out.”

 

“What is there left for you to say then?”

 

Kylo looked at his hands and then out of the window. The sun had almost disappeared. The glow threw shapes across his face. Rey took a deep breath through her nose. Now was not a good time to notice he had a dusting of freckles similar to her own under the silver line her blade had left behind on his face at Starkiller Base.

 

“You have always felt I had more to say than anyone else. I could feel it. Through the bond. I personally don't know what it is you want to hear. But I’m in an indulgent mood. And it's nice – to think that someone actually wants to listen to what I have to say. Even now.”

 

Rey's fingers gripped the thin quilt underneath her. Ever since that battle where she had scarred his face, they had forged a connection. Neither had sought it. Neither had wanted it. The last thing she had wanted was to feel rage and violence while she was trying to practice meditation on Ach-To. It was hard to fill yourself with the light of the Force while feeling someone destroy themselves from the inside a galaxy away.

 

Rey had spent her nights in prayer before the waves of the ocean. She would sit herself on a rock next to where the Millennium Falcon and Chewbacca were waiting dutifully. She would not say a word and after some time Chewie would go about the maintenance of the ship without disturbing her. She would stare at the ship and the eight foot tall beast who resembled an animal you found in the wildest of planets and had none of their viciousness.

 

Chewie had lost his friend and comrade. The ship had lost its pilot. Leia had lost her husband. Rey had lost her chance of a father.

 

She had to focus on that to keep her objective alive. To avenge her father figure. To ignore how much Ren's tears and choked sobs affected her when he thought he was alone.

 

Master Luke warned her against this method. Revenge was a trait of the dark side and can twist the strongest of good minds, he preached. Rey couldn't allow herself to fall to that seductive power. But the alternative was that her compassion for him would fester.

 

She grew stronger. She grew more confident. The barriers around her became tighter. Certain memories were safe from anyone getting close to them. She never wanted her loneliness and vulnerability to be seen ever again.

 

It had made her sick. Knowing he had seen her at her weakest. At her worst. His breath on her face as he told her tale back to her. The pathetic hopes of a child hit her ears like a bum note.

 

His eyes throughout. So pitying. So understanding. Because he knew. He knew this loneliness. Having something in common with him was the worst of it.

 

They met again on battlefields. Each time rewarding the other with fresh wounds that bacta could heal and time would need longer to erase. His voice was getting louder. Anger, fear, irritation, desperation. In the name of the Force, no wonder he was so volatile. Half an hour a day of this turmoil and Rey was clawing at the ground in her little hut.

 

_Enough. Enough!_

 

But it wasn't just torment and that's what stopped Rey from trying to cut the bond altogether.

 

It was what was beyond that. What came before.

 

Rey likened it to a hallway of doors. She would be walking down it when one would open briefly, giving her a glimpse of an image before slamming shut again.

 

Another would open, and something would dash out, shoot past her and into another door. It would slam closed before she even got a glimpse. Echoes would remain. Conversations. Music. Laughter.

 

The one that kept coming back was a musical kind of laugh. It sounded like a child's. It bounced down the hall. It was locked away in Ren's mind and yet it was given something of a free reign to rove around the corridors. He let it out of the doors now and again and let it fill the cavities of his psyche.

 

It was the only time he reached something that resembled peace.

 

Rey didn't think the light in people was given enough credit. It could manipulate and turn a person just as powerfully as Snoke could do.

 

When he was captured, she felt… fear. Fear for _him_.

 

She had reached out tentatively when she heard he was on Naboo with the Resistance. Although he knew his lineage to the General would keep him from any real harm from more heavy-handed forms of justice, she knew a trial would come.

 

It was with amazement that she found the anger, fear, disgust… it was there but it… wasn't. It wasn't at the front door of his mind ready to greet her. It was tucked away. Sleeping almost. It was acceptance and tiredness that came forward to take her cloak instead.

 

The trial came and she was among the spectators. She had hitched up the hood of her Jedi cloak lest he catch sight of her. She wanted him to know she was there with him but she wanted her face hidden. To think he may look up and see her face amongst those condemning him… _No._

 

He had stood tall, hadn't given any sign of fear, contrition, anything. The mask which the Resistance had made a point of crushing before taking him on board their ship didn't seem necessary. He had always been hopeless at schooling his emotions. He still was.

 

The only conclusion was he had no emotion left for his face to showcase.

 

_Guilty. Death._

 

_No. No…_

 

His blocks had been in place so he could sense her presence but not hear her. Maybe he hadn't wanted to. He hadn't wanted any more conversation in the head. Come to me or keep your words, it seemed to say to her. She felt like clawing at the metal door of his mind.

 

_Fight. Protest. Ask for clemency. Give information in exchange. Do something!_

 

Nothing. He was led away with Hux.

 

Poe's message was almost a relief. Almost.

 

She had first thought to stand resolute with the General and honour Han's memory by not giving an inch. Leia may have only been doing it because Ren seemed to convey that he would not want any motherly grief in his cell, but that was beside the point.

 

She lasted nearly a week until she witnessed Hux's execution.

 

The blaster gun had only just rung out over the square when she ran to the General and requested a visiting pass.

 

This story couldn't come to an end with blood on the palace steps.

 

* * *

 

Kylo watched as she seemed to mull over his words.

 

_This girl. Oh, this girl._

 

He had done things to get her to come to stand at his side that had defied logic and reason. He would do them again.

 

With this woman, he could have done so much. He could have been unstoppable. Omnipotent.

 

_I could have even been good._

 

She raised her head and looked him in the eye.

 

“Very well.” He could feel her push forward to step into his mind. He raised a hand to signal her no further.

 

“None of that. I think we've both had enough of that. Ask me a question. Any question. I will answer. I want us to have a conversation before I die that doesn't involve one of us strapped to a gurney or you trying to cut the rest of my face off.”

 

“How will I know you are telling me the truth?”

 

Kylo did something then that made Rey want to both cry and be sick: he smiled. It was a soft kind of smile. Amused. His face crinkled when he smiled. He looked so young. So human.

 

“If anyone can tell I'm lying, it's you.”

 

Rey focused on the pull of his lips, _such a sensual pair of lips,_ before looking him in the eye.

 

“Anything I ask?”

 

He nodded. “So tell me; what do you want to know?”


	3. Always a Fast Runner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On something of roll. To everyone who left comments and kudos, thank you so much. It's what keeps me writing.
> 
> Binge-watched The Force Awakens all day so felt inspired. This is something of a filler chapter but it starts us off in Kylo's childhood.

Rey was saved having to answer what had to be the most difficult question of her life with the cell door opening. Poe came in and clearly didn't expect to see Rey perched on the prisoner's bed. The look of bafflement and horror on Poe's face was both funny and sad. Clearly someone had forgotten to debrief him that Rey would be paying the prisoner his last request.

 

“I've, um,” Poe started, turning his eyes from Rey to Kylo, “I've come to see what you would like for food tonight?”

 

Kylo didn't even look away from Rey. “Anything will do. It doesn't matter.”

 

“It's your last meal.” Poe interjected.

 

“Any meal can be your last meal.” Kylo shrugged.

 

Poe narrowed his eyes at Kylo probably assuming he was being intentionally awkward. Rey jumped in before more caustic comments started to be traded.

 

“Bring two bowls of stew. It tastes as good as anything else.”

 

Poe nodded then did a double take. “Two?”

 

Kylo sat up slightly.

 

“Yes. Two.” Rey sighed, sitting further back on the bed. “I will take my meal here tonight.”

 

Poe looked like he wanted to drag her from the room but Rey shot him her famous “Go away or I'll kick your arse” look. In the end, Poe's eyes flicked to the saber at her belt and looked like he had reminded himself that she'd taken on Ren in far worse situations and won.

 

Rey called out before Poe closed the door: “And a bottle of something strong!”

 

Kylo quirked his eyebrow. “You don't have to get me inebriated to get your answers.”

 

“It's not for you” Rey sighed, “I've a feeling I'm going to need it.”

 

* * *

 

They ate in companionable silence. Well, Rey ate. Kylo merely played with his food. It made sense; he looked thinner than she remembered.

 

“Try and eat some of it.” Rey chided.

 

“I haven't much of an appetite.”

 

Rey contemplated arguing a bit further before deciding to stay quiet. What could she say? Claim he needs his strength?

 

She found herself toying with her food more than eating it too. Her appetite had abruptly died.

 

Rey put the bowls aside and pick up the bottle Poe had left. She poured out two glasses. It was a bright purple liquid. Bright enough it could probably be used as a night-light if sold to the correct market.

 

She placed Kylo's on the table for him to take. She didn't want to risk their fingers brushing.

 

Rey sat down on the bed. Directly facing him, it felt sickeningly like an interview. For all intents and purposes it was. One she would never publish to anyone.

 

“Where did you grow up?”

 

Kylo looked bemused. A part of Rey felt mortified to ask such a juvenile question but it was one she wanted an answer to. His childhood was behind the hallway doors of his mind. If she was to finally understand this man, she was to find out where he started from.

 

“Here. In Naboo.”

 

Rey nodded. She had her suspicions. So he had literally come home to die.

 

“Did you live here?” Rey asked indicating the palace.

 

“For a time. Until I was about eight. The General wanted to revive the Empire from its strongest base and I think she wanted to do it where my grandmother had reigned. Symbolic of family unity and power. If you like.” Rey didn't miss the derisive tone.

 

“Did you not like it here?”

 

“I liked it well enough.” Kylo picked up his drink and took a sip. “Lots of corridors to run around in and nooks to hide in.”

 

“I can't imagine you as a child playing games.”

 

“I didn't play many. But I was always a fast runner.”

 

“What were you running from?”

 

“Trouble. Other children. That damn gold service droid that seemed intent on following me everywhere.”

 

“Did you have any childhood friends?”

 

“None I can recall.”

 

Rey was assaulted with an image of Kylo as a little boy, walking around this vast palace filled with ghosts, all alone. It made her stomach hollow.

 

“What were your parents like?”

 

Kylo remained silent. Rey took a sip of her drink. She had to fight a grimace. It tasted like ship fuel.

 

“You said I could ask anything.”

 

“You already know what they were like.” He responded after a beat.

 

“I know what I think about them. I want to hear what you thought.”

 

* * *

 

Kylo's mouth was as dry as parchment. He hastily took a deep drink from his glass. No one had ever actually asked what he thought of his parents. He'd been told their battle glories and legends so many times that his opinion had been drowned out. Even Snoke had whispered things into his ear as though already fact.

 

_Unappreciated. Such waste. They don't realise._

 

After he turned to the First Order, all the cries of “Why?” were met with an unanimous “the Vader in him”.

 

No one had ever asked and expected an answer from his own side.

 

“The General was kind but she was rarely here. Other business to attend.” He looked at the wall and tried to conjure up a time in his memory when she didn't have other business. “She was never cruel to me. Tended to look sad when I made mistakes. She looked sad a lot.”

 

Rey closed her eyes. “And Han?”

 

Kylo looked at her. What was she hoping to achieve from this?

 

Oh well, she asked for honesty.

 

“Gruff. Impatient. Ignorant.” Rey's eyes shot open. “He didn't understand the Force. Didn't know what to do with it. My mother never trained. Never felt the need. With me… I was moving things when I could still be carried. Not that he ever did.”

 

Rey's eyes had a hard quality. He met it with one of his own.

 

“I take it you were hoping for a moment of enlightenment where I realised I was wrong all along and they actually did a superb job at the whole parenting thing? Sorry to say that's not happening. The truth is I barely saw them. And when I did, it was hardly a joyous reunion. They were so busy screaming at each other every five minutes that I learnt to step back. The grand passionate love affair of the glorious Empire Wars was not so shiny. Not when you have to watch your own father board a ship every time things get tough while your mother throws out everything he owns. It's even worse when they are laughing and joking not a week later and looking at you oddly when you're not immediately taken in by this happy reunion.”

 

Kylo downed the last of his drink and heaved a sigh as it burned the back of his throat. Rey's eyes still looked hard but now more wary than angry. He waited until she was looking him right in the eye before speaking again.

 

“Heroes are the stuff of stories. Heroes are normally great people. But they rarely make for a happily ever after.”

 

“It didn't last forever though” Rey pressed “You were sent to Luke. To the Academy.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Did you miss them when you left? Even a little?”

 

“How could I miss them? I barely knew them.”

 

_They barely knew me._

 

“When did Snoke first seek you out?”

 

Kylo stared at the floor.

 

“I was seven.”

 

 _So young._ Rey's thought exploded against his own mind as though she had actually spoken. He looked up. Rey's eyes looked shiny.

 

_May I?_

 

Kylo gave a curt nod. It would do no harm.

 

Dropping the barriers around this memory was actually difficult. The walls around it hadn't been dropped for so long it was rooted into his very being. He couldn't contain a flinch of pain. Rey breathed in a sharp breath.

 

_Does hurting me bother her?_

 

Feeling steady, he nodded and felt her move forward into his mind.

 

* * *

 

_The little boy sat on his bed as he tried to focus on the holobook on his lap. It was a good story; one of his favourites but the constant shouts and accusations his parents were throwing at one another in the next room was taking away any pleasure he had._

 

_He sighed angrily and tossed it aside. Why couldn't they stop this? Everyone had told him how special his parents were. How strong their love was. Was this what love was like? Shouting until one of you cries and the other runs off? If this was love, he was happy he was going to be a Jedi. You weren't allowed to marry if you were a Jedi. You got to live alone and never have to worry about tears and having your heart broken._

 

_If this was love, he didn't want it._

 

_CRASH._

 

_Ben jumped and sniffed. He quickly wiped his eyes. Jedi's don't cry. He'd never seen his father cry once. He'd watched him when he thought he was alone. His father would just look really tired when he was sad. Ben would peak through doors after the shouting had finished and his father would normally be sitting slouched forward in a chair, forearms on his legs, looking like he was trying to figure out a really difficult question. He never stayed too long to check though. The few times his father caught him, he'd been angry._

 

_Then again, he often made his father angry without even meaning to. Whenever he tried to show off a new trick he could do with his powers, Han Solo would go really quiet and then tell him to cut it out._

 

_His mother didn't snap and would sometimes smile but her eyes would look dull._

 

_Ben stopped showing these tricks to either of them in the end. It either made them cross or bored. His parents didn't find him very interesting clearly._

 

“ _ **They should find you interesting.”**_

 

_Ben looked around. Who had got into his room?_

 

“ _ **Don't jump child. I mean you no harm.”**_

 

_Ben grabbed his holobook as it was the nearest thing to him._

 

“ _Who are you?”_

 

“ _ **Someone who has been watching you. I must say I'm impressed. You're very strong.”**_

 

_Ben still looked around wildly but the grip on the holobook loosened a touch._

 

“ _ **Anyone can have the Force. It doesn't make you special. But you… you're potential makes you very special.”**_

 

_Ben listened. Special? Him?_

 

“ _ **You doubt yourself. Not surprising. People can't teach you what they don't understand.”**_

 

“ _Do you have the Force?”_

 

“ _ **I do. I can show you how to use it properly. Would you like that?”**_

 

_Ben thought about it. Using the Force properly. He thought he had been doing it properly. What had he been doing wrong? Whatever it was, he wanted to fix it._

 

“ _Okay. Show me.”_

 

_The shouting had died away but Ben didn't notice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this chapter I had 'More Prays' by Trevor Morris playing on a loop. A short piece but one that captures the mood perfectly of these moments between Rey and Kylo


	4. The Art of the Gentle Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. I love it so much. It's like discovering I have the Force.

The sun had gone down while they were talking. The sky had transformed from orange to a darkening lilac with shadows beginning to cast over the cell.

 

The sun had gone out in Rey's eyes too.

 

_Kriff, he never stood a chance..._

 

She wanted to reach out, take his hand in hers and maybe give it a squeeze. She had no words. What use were words with this?

 

Instead, she got up and knocked on the door, asking the guard on standby to bring some candles.

 

She used these moments to try and put things into perspective.

 

_At least, he had parents. I was dumped on a glorified sandpit with nothing but my wits for company. You don't see me running off to join organisations that endorse mass murder as a means to an end._

 

She took the candles that were handed to her and set them about the room, lighting each in turn. The room was almost in darkness without the glow they provided.

 

“Where do you normally put your candles?” Rey asked, trying to get on a more mutual terrain. “Where do you prefer them?”

 

“I don't have candles at night.”

 

Rey stopped but didn't turn around to face him. Every time she looked at him she was assaulted with urges to implore him to fight harder for something that was already lost.

 

“How do you see?”

 

“My eyes adjust in time.”

 

“You sit in the dark?”

 

“I belong in the dark.”

 

_No, you belonged somewhere in between. In the shadows._

 

Rey was fairly confident he heard her mind form those words but was unconcerned about what he would make of her use of words. Probably think her a fool. She didn't dip into his mind to find out and he didn't try and break through her barriers to tell her. She just finished lighting the candles and sat herself back downs on the bed.

 

In an odd way, it felt intimate. Almost romantic. If you could call spending time with a man you can hardly begin to understand in a room with the barest of furnishings 'romantic'.

 

“What was life like at Master Skywalker's Academy?” Best get back to it.

 

Kylo hadn't let his eyes leave hers the entire time she had moved about the room.

 

“I was excited. To go somewhere where my abilities would be appreciated… it meant a lot.”

 

“Where were you trained?”

 

“Occus. I was sent there as soon as I was old enough.” _As soon as I could be got rid of._

 

Rey waited a beat before stating:

 

“The General found out what Snoke was doing, didn't she?”

 

“The Force still ran through her. It would have been difficult to ignore.” Kylo said this in a voice so deadpan, he might have been discussing the Pod-racing odds.

 

“She probably thought Luke would be a good influence.”

 

“Well, she got that bit completely wrong, didn't she?” His sneer marred his face more than the prominent scar ever could.

 

“Be fair, Ren!” The irony of her words made him chuckle and shake his head in derision. “What else could she have done? She wasn't a Jedi, she hadn't encountered darkness like Luke had. She probably thought he would emphasise, help you. Stop the worst from happening.”

 

“I repeat my previous statement.”

 

“What would you have done then!” Rey raged at him. “If that had been your son, your daughter, the person you cared about the most, what would you have done that would have been so much better?”

 

Kylo's face looked like it had been leech of colour. Some cord had been struck if the narrowing of his eyes were any clue.

 

“I would have asked. I would have listened. I would try and reassure that regardless of their faults I was still there. I wouldn't have packed them off to someone else to pick up the slack! _I would have tried_!”

 

He was on his feet now. She had forgotten how small she was in comparison to him. His presence made the room feel short of air.

 

She had enough breath left.

 

“I think no matter what they did at that point wouldn't have mattered.” Rey didn't shout or spit the words. She said them with a tired calmness. “I think you had already decided what you wanted to be.”

 

She expected him to try and throw something. Instead his black eyes pinned her to her position. “Did every decision you had made at the age of eight happen?”

 

“I didn't make many at that age. Apart from to survive.”

 

Kylo sat himself down in his chair. He looked like he physically ached. “A promise you kept. I even hear you traced your family.”

 

Rey's lips quirked. She couldn't help it. It still felt so good to hear. “I did.”

 

“'Rey Kenobi'. It suits you.”

 

“I've learnt a lot about him. My grandfather. He was a great man. Brave. Noble.” Her eyes lifted to his face. “Your namesake.”

 

“His name was given to someone else. Not me.” Kylo looked to the side. “Besides, I wonder if it was appropriate. My grandfather did kill him after all.”

 

“He sacrificed himself for the greater good.”

 

“In what way exactly?”

 

“He helped make Luke the Jedi he needed to be.”

 

“Seems a rather unfair trade to make.”

 

Rey sighed. It was like trying to move a hyper-drive engine with a simple push. He wasn't going to admit the good in Luke. As far as she could see, he actually enjoyed this verbal spar. It was the gentlest fighting they had ever done.

 

“Humour me then. Was there ever a time, no matter how distant, when you actually felt affection for him? Wanted his approval? Even for a fleeting moment?”

 

She didn't bother raising her eyes this time as she was confident that she would be disappointed. The silence that followed wasn't oppressive though; it was thoughtful. Almost sad.

 

“The last time was when I was ten years old.”

 

Rey couldn't raise her head. If she moved in any way, he might stop. It was like hunting: one wrong move and the prey would bolt for his life.

 

Rey disliked thinking of him as prey. He who had been a hunter for so long.

 

“It was when I first used the force to lift something heavy.”

 

He didn't embellish further. Instead he moved some shields aside and looked Rey in the eye.

 

_Quickly Scavenger, before I change my mind._

 

Not needing another warning, she moved in.

 

* * *

 

_Green everywhere. The freshness of the air was intoxicating. The trees stretched into the sky nearly blocking the sun out completely. The latest rainfall was heavy but only a few heavy drops landed on Ben's face. He had his face turned up to the sky with his eyes closed._

 

_The forest was calming to his nerves. It had been the first thing he had ever explored when he first moved to this planet. On Naboo everything was made of marble, stone and polish. He had never seen a forest up close. He had barely unpacked before going off on his own to find out the secrets it held._

 

_Nature was calming to him and, when he walked far enough, he couldn't hear the sounds of the Academy any longer. The other children never wanted to come with him. No one wanted to play with him longer than necessary. He was too serious, he never smiled; he was just different. In the woods, that didn't matter._

 

_He felt less lonely when there was no one around for miles than he was when he was surrounded by people._

 

_Today he just felt anger._

 

_They had been doing exercises in class on how to use the Force to move large objects. He had been looking forward to it. He had thought it would be easy. He had been making things fly around without meaning to for years._

 

_Not many of the younglings could do it but he felt excited. He would be able to._

 

_When it came to his turn, he couldn't so much as make it wobble._

 

_No-one had said anything but that made it worse. He summoned everything he had and tried again and again. Nothing._

 

_Master Luke stepped up to him and tried to explain it took time. Ben wouldn't take his eyes off the boulder they were meant to make move. He was red in the face and everything was starting to hurt._

 

_One of the boys whispered something to another and there was a titter of laughter. His embarrassment turned to pure anger._

 

_His power was everything. He wasn't able to use anything else to his advantage. His family were made up of Force users. This was all he had._

 

_This was all he could do._

 

_A surge of power expelled from him but rather than move the boulder, it cause all the power in the Academy to short circuit and spark before every light in the place went out with a bang. Some of the younglings ducked to avoid the sparks. Some looked to frightened to move._

 

_Ben looked around. Had he done that? He hadn't meant to. But he had._

 

_He'd spun around and ran as fast as he could out of the class. He didn't look back at his uncle. He didn't want to see the disappointment. All he ever saw in the faces of his family was confusion, disappointment, fear. He'd disappeared into the trees._

 

_Ben was frightened. His power was there. He could feel it thrumming in his veins. So why wouldn't it do as it was told?_

 

_He'd learned some things from Snoke before his mother had sent him away. More than he had learnt here. Here he felt he was going backwards. All he ever got was criticism. He was sick of it. Snoke had actually seemed pleased with him._

 

_He hadn't heard for him for some time. His uncle believed that they were too far for Snoke to reach. Not many people know where the Jedi Academy was. Not even the people in the palace knew for sure where he had gone._

 

_He sighed and opened his eyes up at the tree covered sky. He felt safe here. Calmer. Less disappointing._

 

_He looked around him. He spotted a large boulder about the size of the one from the classroom. At first, he thought about walking further away before channelling the force. This time he breathed in the air of the forest and let it consume him._

 

You are a Jedi. You are powerful. It's your birthright.

 

_He felt the power flow through him more easily._

 

You have control.

 

You matter.

 

_Ben opened his eyes. The large boulder was in mid-air._

 

_His gasp of amazement broke his focus and it dropped to the forest floor with a crash. It didn’t matter though. He did it._

 

“ _When you believe in the Force and yourself, it comes together quite beautifully.”_

 

_Ben spun around to find his Uncle standing a few feet away. For a terrible moment, he wondered if Luke had lifted it instead._

 

“ _Don't panic my boy. That was all your own power.”_

 

_There was a look of pride in his eyes that mixed with trepidation. It was the most Ben had ever really gotten. He would take it._


	5. A missing hand on his shoulder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, you guys are awesome. Every kudos and comment makes me squeal with happiness. Thank you so much. All feedback is appreciated. 
> 
> I wrote this while listening to "Sleeping at Last" by Saturn. If you haven't heard it, I beg you listen to it. Its made me cry so many times.

Kylo wondered why people set so much store on the status of his relationship with his former Master. It clearly meant something to Rey to defend her tutor but he could see that anyone having a family member only to actively reject them was something deplorable to her.

 

Melancholy sat between them like a chaperone for a time. It felt a little pointless to dwell too much on his Uncle. Kylo tried to think back at a time before or after where they had shown any outward uncle-nephew affection or faith in one another. Nothing came to mind. They had been teacher and pupil. Master and apprentice. He had been no more favoured than any of the other boys. And he wasn't going to lie any longer and say it didn't sting. It had.

 

He had gone to the academy with dreams not only of power and teachings (and undisturbed sleep once Snoke couldn't get to him) but of family and affection. The likes of which he didn't have with the General and Han Solo. He'd imagined a man who had understood the struggles of which the young boy was going through. He had been a farmer on a wasteland planet before Kenobi had found him. He had started his training as a man. He could listen to his fears with an understanding ear. He could be a hand on his shoulder.

 

As soon as he stepped off the Millennium Falcon and came face-to-face with his Uncle, he was met with his mother's eyes. More monk than man. Welcoming but with caution. Eyes that tended to watch for a beat longer than necessary. Almost frightened to turn its back.

 

He knew his mother had told the Jedi about Snoke. All hopes of an open and understanding relationship evaporated like water on Jakku.

 

He lifted his eyes and waited until Rey was ready to talk again.

 

* * *

 

“Did you have any happy memories from your childhood?”

 

It was less of a question, more of a plea.

 

Why had she thought this was ever a good idea? The more questions she asked, the worse it got.

 

Her eyes were on her fiddling hands. She didn't see the flash of brief agony that crossed his eyes at the question.

 

“Define 'happy'.”

 

Rey looked up. _God, those eyes… why were they so dark and deep?_ “Happy. Playful. A little less dark.”

 

“I think you're asking the wrong man that kind of question.”

 

Rey had a nagging thought. Like a tick that needed to be scratched.

 

The hallway of doors. They were still mostly shut to her in his mind. Even when he wanted to give her better understanding, he wouldn't let those doors open.

 

That laughter in his head. Light and musical. It sounded like a girl. Maybe…

 

“Was there ever any love?”

 

He looked at her like she'd just announced an intention to invite C3P0 in to give him comfort.

 

“Love?”

 

She wasn't going to let his confusion at the very word wound her. Like a language he didn't understand.

 

“Any teenage love? Crushes?”

 

He seemed to almost pale at the question. It had struck a nerve.

 

“We were forbidden from forming attachments.”

 

“And you followed all the rules, didn't you(!)”

 

If a look ever said the word “ _Touch_ _e”_ Kylo was currently wearing it.

 

“Nothing much to write home about.”

 

Rey raised her eyebrows. _Go on._

 

He heaved a sigh, almost to convey he thought this a pointless piece of his history, and knocked a barrier out of the way in his mind. He didn't so much as flinch this time. The barrier was up but could have given way with a kick. Rey already knew that the laughter wasn't behind this door. She stepped over the threshold nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

_Ben sat under a tree that shielded him from the worst of the rain. He wasn't entirely sure how long he'd been hidden away but wasn't in a rush to come back to the temple._

 

_They weren't coming. She had promised this time that they would make the journey, see his progress, spend a night or two with him._

 

_Even with his scepticism, he had still been incandescent with rage when Luke had stepped into his chambers with a sympathetic expression._

 

_Every light in the temple flashed and went out. This time Ben didn't feel embarrassment or shame. He felt a hot twisting pride._

 

Send that message to my parents _, his eyes told his Uncle._ Give them that little report _._

 

_The boys in his class had stopped calling him names. His ears and nose were no longer a point of laughter. If the children had given him a wide birth before, they outright avoided him now. His temper was becoming known. He was becoming the one to avoid Master Luke putting you to practise with._

 

_Everyone was beginning to fear him._

 

_And those that didn't. Well, they would learn._

 

_Snoke had found him. The whisperings had resumed. A part of Ben was relieved to have him back in his head. It was getting harder to sleep but at least someone was guiding him, teaching him, listening._

 

_He still kept up her ritual of going into the forest. It was a good place to mediate and no-one bothered him here. Well except…_

 

_A branch snapped behind him. Ben turned, expecting to see…_

 

_Oh._

 

_He hadn't been expecting her._

 

_Sofie smiled shyly._

 

“ _Hi Ben.” It came out as soft as her smile._

 

_This was an aspect of his life that he wasn't used to. Since turning fourteen and letting his rage take reign over his actions, most of his classmates avoided him. Except this girl. She seemed to seek him out more than before. Like she wanted to be, not friends, but…_

 

_She was one of the girls that Ben had given a cursory glance once or twice when he first came to the Academy. A humanoid like himself, she had long red hair that fell to her waist and blue eyes, he had felt his cheeks go a bit hot whenever she would look back._

 

_She had grown quite tall and was beginning to grow slender curves. Ben had also gone through changes over the last year. He had shot up so fast that he had had to send for new tunics and pants three times this year alone. He was now the tallest in his class. His face was matured too, his eyes, lips, nose and ears no longer too big for his face. He found letting his hair grow longer helped soften them a bit._

 

_This seemed to be something Sofie appreciated._

 

“ _What do you want?” Ben demanded._

 

“ _Just thought you might like some company.”_

 

_Ben scoffed and turned away. “I'm not suited for company.”_

 

_How did she know he was here?_

 

She _must have mentioned it. He would have to have a talk with her that she was not allowed to tell_ _anyone where he went_ _…_

 

* * *

 

Rey felt herself pushed back somewhat in his mind.

 

A door had slammed shut again. Why?

 

Rather than be pushed out altogether, she clung on and focused on his interaction with the young teenage girl.

 

* * *

 

“ _Go away Sofie.”_

 

“ _Why don't you want to talk to me any more?”_

 

“ _We didn't talk before.”_

 

“ _We did!” Ben looks at her with more than a touch of scepticism. “Well, now and then.”_

 

“ _What is there to say now?”_

 

“ _Not much.”_

 

_Ben stood up and looked at the girl._

 

“ _You look at me differently now.” He noted._

 

_Sofie nodded, her hair swaying with the movement. “As do you.”_

 

_It was like an energy in the air. Like the Force but hotter. It made the small girls blue eyes turn darker and something almost possessive flare in Ben's chest._

 

_He was nothing if not impulsive._

 

_Catching hold of her shoulders, he pushed her against the tree. Crowding her in._

 

_She submitted without a fight. Seemed happy to be a prisoner if he was her captive._

 

_The first touch of his lips to hers was just a brush of contact. Both were novices to this. What Ben did know was it felt nice. So his lips lingered a second time. On the third, when his hair was gripped and he was pulled so close, he melted into her frame, he saw no reason to pull away._

 

_Everything felt soft when he ran his hands along her neck and in her hair. She smelt like the strawberry concoction all the girls washed their hair with._ _He wasn't entirely sure how long they stood there up against that tree, just tasting each other and running hands wherever it felt good to let them go._

 

_They both knew they weren't supposed to want this. To be padawans to the Academy meant a life where you ignored the urges of the body and found satisfaction in the Force._

 

_Snoke was right. He didn't belong here._

 

_There was suddenly a sound_ _behind Ben_ _. A giggle -_

 

* * *

 

Rey found herself thrown out of his mind so fast and without warning that she fell back on the bed. Dazed, she pushed herself up on her arms and looked at him.

 

He seemed… panicked. Like he remembered something that he shouldn't have ever forgotten.

 

That laugh. It was the laughter in the corridors of his mind.

 

“I can't do it.” Kylo was talking to himself. She wasn't meant to hear. He sounded so… raw.

 

“Ren...”

 

“We're done here.” He stood up and walked to the window.

 

“What?”

 

“I've given you a chance to ask your questions. I've shown you all I wish to. You may leave me now.”

 

“But wait, there is something else-”

 

“Then you should have asked it sooner!” The bark was back in his voice. He was trying to be the First Order leader that was feared across the stars. He just sounded like a cheap imitation. A footprint rather than a boot.

 

“There are things you haven't allowed me to see. Why?”

 

“Because they are not yours to see! You will get my head for a souvenir tomorrow. Leave me the contents of what’s in it!”

 

Rey choked. “Don't say that. I'm not doing it to hurt you. Not everyone in your life is looking to hurt you, Ren.”

 

“You wanted to understand the monster before it is slain?”

 

“You're not-”

 

“I AM!” He roared. “You said it yourself! You looked at me and you meant those words you spoke.” He leant his head against the glass of the window. Rey felt the desire to reach out and touch him. A hand on his shoulder was all he had ever wanted.

 

“Kylo, there's something else. Something keeps coming back. Something I know isn't evil or tainted. That laughter… who was it?”

 

He shock his head, back still turned to her.

 

“Please… I won't tell a soul if you tell me. I give you my word.”

 

“It's the one thing in my head that isn't tainted and twisted and rotten. And I won't sully it by dragging it out now.” He turned away from the dark view of the square where he would be led tomorrow. “The very air of this place would corrupt it.”

 

Rey went to argue again. Kylo got there first.

 

“If you ever trusted a word I said, trust this one: some things are better left alone.” He looked at her and, for the first time, Rey knew it was Ben Solo's eyes looking back. “You won't thank me for digging it up.”

 

Rey stood before him. A condemned man. A man she herself had tried to kill. And she felt grief beyond words at the fact that her life's work would come to pass when the sun rose.

 

“Leave me. Let me rest.” Kylo turned away from her again.

 

Rey couldn't think of a single thing to say so turned and walked out without another word. She walked back towards where she could sense her master. If ever she needed him, it was tonight.

 

She let the tears come unhindered on her way. When she stood before the old man, she would be calm. For now, she would be a girl suffering something dangerously close to heartbreak.

 

* * *

 

Kylo waited until she was well away before letting out a scream of pain.

 

He had thought he could do it. He had thought he could finally explain.

 

He'd been selfish.

 

It would destroy her to know.

 

And he'd destroyed enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is not the end people! Not by a long shot...


	6. A Chair That Tells A Tale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are just so lovely and kind. All the feedback makes the worst kind of day better. I love you all.
> 
> I write mostly to music and this chapter I had mainly "RyanDan - Tears of an Angel" playing.
> 
> I have struggled with this chapter but I think it's as good as I'll ever get.

Leia had been sitting in the throne room for the better part of three hours. She had never sat upon her mother's throne before. It had never felt right. Padme Amidala had symbolised a gentleness, grace and delicacy that she felt herself incapable of emulating. She was a General first, a princess second. Not even a princess any more. She had relinquished it in her own mind when Alderaan had been destroyed. A princess without a planet was no princess at all.

 

Now though she gripped the armrests so tightly the material had moon crescents where her nails had buried themselves. In a moment of faith, she had hoped that some of her mother's famed bravery would strengthen her on this terrible night. As though her mother's love would somehow ease the pain of her own.

 

It had just left her sitting in the dark in a room that hadn't been occupied for over four decades.

 

Leia couldn't decide some days whether the Force that ran through her was her greatest attribute or her dearest curse. She had been sitting in the control room of the Resistance base when she had overheard Poe tell a bewildered Finn that The Prisoner had a guest in the form of Rey.

 

This was no surprise to Leia as she had been the one to grant Rey the pass to see him in the first place but to know she was there, with him, and they were going to talk…

 

She had left without a word and retreated to the shadows of her mother's reign.

 

Hope. Confusion. Anger. Regret. Astonishment. Comfort. Panic.

 

She had felt it all. All the conflicting emotions that made her unable to hate her only child.

 

Then the final blast of: _Enough_. Something had closed in his mind. He had gone back on a decision. A decision that would bring him relief and peace but had the potential to rip apart wounds that Rey had only just learn to bind up and bare.

 

Leia had lived too long and seen too much to let tears fall easily. But she had never felt less like a commander of men her whole life.

 

Rey had walked away from him. She could sense the girl's despair. And her need to see her Master.

 

Leia didn't feel any sense of surprise when she felt the girl's growing frustration at not being able to find her master. Nor at the sound of a soft footfall echoing closer to her.

 

“The throne suits you. You always had a flare for royalty.”

 

Leia looked at her twin with trepidation. Looking at him reminded her just how old they had become. He wore his years without vanity or care.

 

“I'm no more a princess than you are a King.”

 

“Not a princess, no. You weren't ever really a princess. More a warrior queen.”

 

Leia's lips quirked at her brother's attempt of a compliment. Then her smile slid away as though it was ever there.

 

“More a warrior than a mother.”

 

Luke didn't contradict her. Patronizing her would not be appreciated right now.

 

“We all made mistakes. I more than anyone else.” The Jedi sat himself down in one of the old council chairs. The silence was loud enough to echo through the halls for a few moments.

 

“He didn't tell her then.”

 

“No.” Luke shock his head. “No, he didn't.”

 

“What do you think stopped him?” Leia asked. Her son was famed for taking what he wanted and damn the consequence.

 

“Love.”

 

Leia's head shot to the side to stare at her brother. Luke raised his eyebrows.

 

“Can there be any doubt?” It was clearly not rhetorical. “We've known. We've known for years. Our eyes were open yet we would not see.”

 

Leia's own eyes were desperately trying to stay dry.

 

“What should we do?” She asked. “We can't leave things like this.” When Luke didn't answer, she became animated. “You know as well as I do, it's a miracle this hasn't come out sooner. And it will come out. Do you want him to...” She swallowed. “Do you want him to be dead by the time Rey realises what the questions she needs answered are?”

 

Luke knew this full well. He'd lived in despair as to what to do and what to say for over a year. He had hoped that giving her a family history and revealing her family legacy would be penance in some way for what else was hidden away in her mind.

 

He'd been mistaken.

 

“He may never forgive us if this goes badly.” Luke warned.

 

“And Rey will never forgive us when she finds out unless we do something.”

 

The silence was louder than the one it succeeded.

 

“A memory rub is a powerful piece of dark force use. She would have already seen things that resonate. I would say one strong push should do it. He would have already weakened the walls around her subconscious without meaning to.”

 

Luke knew what was needed.

 

“I still have it. What he left behind.”

 

Leia gripped the seat so roughly her nails tore small holes in the chair.

 

“You didn't-”

 

“I couldn't.” Luke finished. “I have always hoped… these are the worst circumstances but if tonight is the last chance…”

 

“I want my son back” Leia's voice was an octave lower than usual. Her throat had shrunk to the size of a pea. “so we need to go back to the time I last looked at that man in the cell and saw Ben looking back.”

 

* * *

 

Rey had walked through the palace and through the grounds of the courtyard looking for a trace of her Master but his Force signature seemed to be leading her around in circles. Finally, she sat down beside the reflecting pool in the royal gardens and let the night air cool her burning eyes and lungs.

 

Water was calming to Rey. Hearing the trickle of water and flowing of water along the edges of the fountain that sat in the centre of the pool was a therapy she had always appreciated. Water was its own kind of treasure on Jakku and she still felt awe whenever it rained.

 

The moons were full in the sky and bathed the courtyard in light. The three that symbolised tomorrow was on its way at the pace of the Millennium Falcon in its prime.

 

She looked up at the towering palace and where his window was. The glow was barely distinguishable but there. Knowing he hadn't chosen to sit in the dark like he had the past weeks was something of a comfort to her.

 

The images of him as a small child had thrown kindling onto the flicker of compassion she had always had in her heart for the man in black.

 

Serious, gifted, eager, precocious, scared, bitter, angry.

 

It seemed so bizarre yet right that he should find comfort deep within the trees of a forest. A place where no-one, not even the stars, could find him if he hid in the right place. Branches reaching up into the sky, leaves knitted together, the acre soil dirtying his clothes as he lay on the ground looking up, shielding him in.

 

It had been the closest to a hug he could remember having.

 

A place to hide. A place to play and be a child. Running through the trees, being chased not by nightmares, but by laughter, light and love.

 

Wait -

 

Rey sat up. That hadn't come from Kylo Ren's memories.

 

But she could see it.

 

A tall boy with messy black hair. Brown tunic and leggings, boots up to the calf, a flash of pale skin, flushed at the cheeks with the exertion of running and with… happiness.

 

The vision was through the eyes of the chaser. Bobbing and weaving in and out of the trees, never letting him out of sight. The laughter.

 

It was the chaser's.

 

The force signature cut through the image.

 

Luke. It was calling to her.

 

So desperate to see her Master, she broke into a run towards the palace before any other thought struck her.

 

It was like being in the forest of Takodana all over again. She ran by using her senses to tell her where.

 

Through the courtyard. Up the stairs. Through the hallways. She passed no-one on the way. The palace was sleeping in darkness and pathos.

 

It blossomed behind the doors of a room Rey had never been inside.

 

She threw open the doors and had to repress a scream of frustration to find it empty.

 

The Force was bouncing around the room. She had heard of this place. It was the old throne-room of Naboo's Galactic Dynasty. It felt somewhat simple. The biggest chair which has seated the Queens of the planet was large but didn't seem to impose a fear that she always thought of when it came to royalty.

 

It seemed almost nurturing. Like where a mother would sit with a child on its lap.

 

It called to her now.

 

_Sit down. Rest your head. Tell me your troubles. You're safe._

 

She stepped towards it.

 

Sitting on it felt wrong yet right. Wrong because she wasn't royalty. Never would be and never wanted to be. But it had traces of a past life, a generation, which she belonged to. Had this been where Obi Wan had first seen the woman who would bear his legacy. Sabe had sat here. Her grandmother posing as Kylo Ren's grandmother.

 

If only those two women had know the mess their prodigy would be entangled in.

 

She sank back on the cushions. The Force was pulsing stronger than ever.

 

The throne was equipped with compartments to store guns. During an occupation of Naboo, it had helped the Jedi win an important battle right here in this room. She pressed a button.

 

The sight of it assaulted her. It glowed a purple so deep it was nearly black.

 

She had never seen a kyber crystal without its sword before.

 

Her fingers brushed it with awe.

 

It was like Maz's Palace all over again. Images assaulted her. The laughter was ringing in her mind. The forest all around her.

 

_The crystal was held in her hands in the forest. Her hands were smaller. She was smaller. Tiny in fact. A child. She was gazing at it in wonder._

 

“ _This is yours?” Her voice was a child's._

 

“ _Yes.” Another voice, deep but mingled with the breaking that comes with teenage years. She looks up. Dark eyes but kind. Weary but not of her. “It will make my sword. And one day you will have one.”_

 

“ _I want a blue one! Like Master Luke’s.”_

 

_A chuckle. “The colour doesn't matter. What you do with it does.”_

 

“ _And you are going to train me.” It wasn't a question. Just a statement of what will be._

 

“ _Of course. I promised, didn't I?”_

 

Rey saw it then. Stepping out of the eyes of the child. Saw the little girl. Small, skinny, brown hair styled oddly. A smile taking over her face at the promise given. And the boy smiled back. Unpractised but with a sincerity that couldn't be disputed. He had ten years on the infant but was kneeling, so they were equals in size, if not in age.

 

She knew that boy. She knew that girl. She knew this place. And as the barriers of her mind fell she screamed in pain both physical and unspoken.

 

* * *

 

Kylo had been lying in the same spot on his small bed for about two hours. He wouldn't sleep. Why bother? He was going to have the best rest of his life tomorrow.

 

He was thinking of her as he always did at night, about the freckles on her nose, her hazel eyes when he felt it. He fell forward as though Chewie had shot him with the blaster all over again.

 

No. No…

 

There was a commotion not two minutes later. Sounds of a struggle outside his cell. Shouts then silence. He thought it was just the guards arguing when the cell door swung open so hard the plastered walls would show a crack to every other prisoner that would sit here after him.

 

She looked wild. Her hair was coming undone. Her face was white under the flushed cheeks. Her breathing erratic.

 

She looked untamed. Almost terrible in her confusion and despair.

 

Rey said nothing. Just held up the crystal for him to see.

 

Snoke's methods had been nothing compared to this.

 

_Skywalker. The fool… the fucking fool!_

 

Rey looked at him without blinking.

 

“Tell me _exactly_ what you tried to hide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any and all feedback appreciated.


	7. The First Taste of Absolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Star Wars Day guys.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, a thousand thank yous. Some of your comments have made me beam. 
> 
> This chapter was written to "Road to Perdition" by Thomas Newman while I was writing Kylo's tale.
> 
> This chapter is half monologue when we get the story from Kylo's own mouth. I've always wanted to try this so I hope it works.

He looked like he wanted to be sick.

 

A mixture of fear and anger clouded his eyes. Any level of calm that he had showcased at his trial was gone. This was the Kylo Ren she knew. This was Ben…

 

“Where did you get that?” His eyes on the krystal.

 

“What does it matter?” Rey growled.

 

“Oh, it matters.”

 

The force restricted cell cut off all users powers once inside the room. Which meant that not only was Kylo without his abilities but Rey was too. She did have a trick at her belt.

 

Now, while they were equally matched in their force abilities and Rey was no weakling, Kylo had a stealthiness and strength that was well concealed under his black garments. So, when she went to wrench her lightsaber into action to cut the answers out of him if needs be, his hand encased her wrist and pulled her arms behind her back. The movement slammed her back against his chest. To an outsider, it may even be mistaken for an embrace of passion. A passion that couldn't be controlled if the girl's struggling and yells were anything to go by.

 

Rey thrashed, struggled, screamed, even tried to bite him, but he wouldn’t be moved. His hands were large enough to hold both her wrists in one of his and the other arm was wrapped around her neck in an attempt to keep her still. It was tight enough to do so without choking her. This act of almost compassion from this man, _this man_ , did nothing to quell her rage.

 

This man.

 

This boy.

 

She didn't know who was holding her anymore.

 

She didn't know who _he_ was holding anymore.

 

Her tears were ugly and heaving as she cried out in agony as more and more images assaulted her mind.

 

Ben.

 

Her Ben. He had actually been a Ben she considered her own.

 

She kept thrashing, kept fighting, kept yelling out to be let go by him, but she was weakening. He was immovable around her.

 

Her cries were choking as she demanded.

 

“You left me. I remember. You left me on that planet. You. _You! Why_?”

 

So consumed by confusion and hurt that she could hardly swallow anymore, she almost didn't expect an answer. But one was whispered in her ear with a voice as broken as hers had become.

 

“To save you.”

 

Rey felt her body slump to the floor. She almost suspected he had used his powers to knock her unconscious again. But her eyes were open and Kylo was still gripping her. He slid down to the floor with her.

 

It felt less like a death grip than an embrace now. Like he was holding her because he wanted to.

 

Rey's eyes expelled more salty tears when she realised that he _did_ want to.

 

“What do you know?” His voice sounded an octave lower. Like he was wearing the mask again.

 

He'd worn a mask in front of her the whole time.

 

“I remember it was me. Laughing. It was me.” Her voice was barely a breath. Only loud enough he would hear.

 

“Yes. It was you.”

 

“I was a child. A padawan. I was a pupil. You were there. You knew me. You...” It was too much yet not enough. The krystal had knocked down significant walls in her memory but not all.

 

It was like the hallway doors were open. But only at about ten seconds each. Long enough for her to look in. To see what lay there. Not long enough for her to step in and explore fully. Just when she saw enough to see the outlines of an event, it slammed shut again.

 

“I was going to tell you.” Kylo whispered into her unbound hair. “Tonight. It was my last chance. And didn't want to die without you knowing who I was. Who you were. But then I realised that this… this would be the outcome.” Rey could feel her hair beginning to dampen. “I never wanted _this_.”

 

Some of her famous strength returned to her. She sprung free of his arms and across the room. She curled herself into a corner away from him. As though crawling into the walls would help her escape this situation.

 

She looked back. He was still on the floor. His hand was stretched out to her as though he wanted to drag her back. His face was wet and his eyes were pleading.

 

He looked like her.

 

“Why in the name of the force should I believe a word you say?” Rey spat, snarling like she could frighten away his despair. “You have lied. Not that I expected trust. You hardly have much of a record for _that_.”

 

“Because I wasn't always a monster. I wanted to show you. I wanted you to see me through the eyes you did as a child.”

 

“I was a child! What the hell did I know!” Rey screamed back.

 

“You knew me! _Me_!” He sounded similar to a wounded animal. “Not Kylo Ren! Not a Skywalker! Not a Solo! Ben. You knew _Ben_!”

 

“I want to know why!” Rey growled. “I want the truth about what happened. About how I ended up on that damn sandpit planet if you thought I saw you so well. I want to hear it from your own mouth. If I was so important, what the hell happened!”

 

Kylo looked like his breath had stopped. Then it fell from his mouth all at once. He made a move but before Rey could grab her sword and actually use it this time, he backed away to the opposite wall.

 

Both sitting in a cell, one in one corner, another in the other.

 

Like two children forced to play on the ground. He didn't stand and neither did she. They sat on the floor, wearing only their clothes and emotions.

 

After a moment, Kylo started to talk.

 

“After Snoke finally convinced me, suddenly I let the side of me out that everyone said was there... I let it out. I let the Vader in me come out. If I couldn't be the best, I could be the worst and, kriff, I _could_ be the worst. That was the one thing I could be. I wasn't strong enough to be good.

 

“So I let people be frightened of me. No one was sniggering at me any more. No more snide comments; some people were frightened to _breathe_ around me and it felt _good._

 

“Then there was you. _You. S_ mall and skinny, a little girl: you weren't frightened of me at all. You kept trying. _Kept trying._ You'd take my hand, try and catch round me.

 

“' _What is it, Ben, what is it? Why are you so angry? Why are you sad?_ _'_

 

“You'd defend me. People would be speaking about me, about the darkness in my eyes and you'd just shake your head with all the confidence a five-year-old can have and just say: _No. No, that's not Ben. Ben's good. Ben's my friend._

 

“Such _blind_ loyalty! I hated you for it!

 

“And I loved you for it. Unconditional love. My first taste and it was from a five-year-old who didn't realise how wrong she was.

 

“You were the only person to ever show me it. Not my mother, not Luke, not Han… Too frightened to show me unconditional love for fear of what I would do with it.

 

“That's why… that's why when the time came, when I had to do what I was ordered to do – I couldn't. Not to you. How could I do that to you? You may have been wrong but you _loved_ me.

 

“So I coaxed you away. Said I wanted to… I wanted to go for a trip across the stars and did you want to come? Of course… you were grabbing that kriffin helmet and shoving it on your head before I even had chance to finish my sentence. Of course you were coming! You were Rey. You went everywhere with me.

 

“I left my krystal behind. If I was going to do what Snoke wanted, then I couldn't do it with anything associated with my old life. Anything that you had touched…

 

“We arrived in Jakku. It came the time to hand you over. The plan was just to wipe your mind. Just wipe it clean and just leave you there. If you didn't know what was the alternative, you'd be better off. You wouldn't know.

 

“You'd be _safe_.

 

“You were just looking at me. So confused. So devastated, I… I did one last deed. I fed you a lie to live on. _I'd be back._

 

“But in that moment I wasn't lying. I _was_ going to come back. Once everything was settled. Once I was more powerful. Once it was safe. Huh, safe(!) Sounds pathetic even now.

 

“Then it would be the time. To come and collect you. Take you home. Complete your training. Watch you grow. Try and see… some good come out of this sorry mess.

 

“I can still hear you crying out… _Come back…_

 

“I screamed all the way home. The anger. The pain. It helped for what came next. The entire time I was numb. I didn't feel anything but rage. Because I knew even then, the look in your eye, _the look in your eye_ , I knew then. I knew I'd made the mistake of my life.

 

“That's the thing with mistakes: you make them and then you have to live with them.

 

“Years passed. Kept trying. To find a way. To get you home. Collect you and give you all I ever wanted to give. It was never a good time. I was never strong enough. Stoke was never trusting enough. You were never safe enough. A year would turn to two, then two became ten and before I knew it… you would have been a young woman and I didn't even know what you looked like anymore.

 

“Then the droid went missing. _It had escaped with a girl_. I knew. _I knew_. I hadn't found you; you had found me.

 

“Hunting you down in the forest… I still expected you to be tiny. To be a child. You'd grown. _Grown_. I don't think… I'd ever seen anything… I wanted so badly and was so far removed. The little girl I cared for had grown into the woman that I would kill for.

 

“While you were passed out in that chair, I just stared at you. I wanted to touch your hair to make sure you were real. Funnily enough it felt like it was a step too far. I couldn't.

 

“You woke up and you were frightened. You were so frightened of me. I thought, 'If I take off this mask and show her…' I had this dream that you would remember. You'd know who I was.

 

“You looked surprised, probably surprised there was a human under that helmet but… that was it. All I could do was slam it aside and carry on with the job at hand.

 

“I had to see. I had to see what I'd left you behind with.

 

“Loneliness. Desperation. Pain.

 

“I wanted to skin Unkar alive. He was meant to look after you.

 

“Hated myself more than I've ever hated myself before. My one good act, my one redeeming act, and I'd sentenced you to a life of penury and near starvation!

 

“I deserved your hatred. I deserved your disgust.

 

“To know that you were truly lost to me. To know I'd always be the figure you despised and feared. To know that the last voice in my favour, my last chance of knowing what love felt like, was gone… I think it condemned me more than it did when I stuck that saber through Solo's chest. What could be worse than that?

 

“What could be worse than this?”

 

Rey could only stare.

 

Then she crawled towards him.

 

“Remove the blocks. Show me your memories. Let me see it all.”

 

Kylo looked at her. She looked back. There was no more rage. Just sorrow. And, force forbid, a little hope.

 

He raised his hand then withdrew it a moment.

 

“Just remember something.” He sounded pleading. “Remember that, despite all that’s happened and will happen, I would probably do it again. Because you are alive. And that is something I will never ask absolution for.”

 

He raised his hand again, touched her forehead and all she could see was colour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the hardest by far to write. I am drained! 
> 
> Please tell me what you think. I need to know if I did this right...


	8. A Confusing Attachment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sounded repetitive here, but you guys are magic! Love all the feedback I've been given. Glad so many of you like it. 
> 
> This chapter is purely flashbacks of Rey and Ben's childhood. I didn't put it in italics for that reason. I wrote this to both "To Build A Home" and "Arrival of the Birds" by The Cinematic Orchastra. If you haven't heard these songs, I implore you to listen to them. They helped me fight my depression.
> 
> After a recommendation in the comments, I've also discovered "Hurts Like Hell" by Fleurie (thank you to ShaeMama for the mention) which I think is a great song to listen to for this fic.
> 
> Anyway enough from me. Enjoy!

Ben had been half dozing when he heard it. The sun was strong and the air was close. It made him feel drowsy and he thought for a little moment that he was dreaming.

 

A strange dream it was. He rarely heard such sweet yet tuneless singing and humming.

 

He sat upright quickly. He was awake and that noise was coming from nearby.

 

The forest didn't belong to him, he knew this, but no-one ever came this deep into the trees. He felt a protectiveness that was almost ferocious. He didn't have much that belong only to him, not even his name, so he held what he did own dearly.

 

He followed the noise and hid behind a huge oak tree. It was coming from amongst the flowers in a glade in another clearing.

 

He had to blink several times to register what he was seeing.

 

She was small. Couldn't be older than four. Hair in a strange little style of three buns that didn't look as silly as it did on other girls. Dressed in beige and brown like him. She was a youngling. And she wasn't following him. She wasn't even aware he was there. She was too busy picking flowers.

 

Ben's first impulse was to turn around and slope off somewhere he wouldn’t be disturbed. The child clearly had wandered off to play. She wasn't aware he was there. He could disappear off and carry on with his day. He didn't.

 

He cocked his head to the side and studied her. He had never spent much time with other children. He wasn't good at making friends. And he had never played much as a child. So to see a child, so carefree, so lost in their own little world, was interesting. Like seeing a strange animal up close after only seeing one in holobook.

 

She was picking the petals off the flowers and sprinkling them on the ground. The humming and singing carried on. He couldn't make out the words very well. It didn't seem to be a song that needed lyrics. The child's voice sounded light and sweet. It wasn't perfect, she had a tendency to hum the wrong note, now and again. Somehow that made it nicer. It felt natural.

 

It felt innocent and good. Pure.

 

Ben ended up listening to the little girl hum for the best part of two minutes.

 

He must have stepped on a twig at some point because the little girl stopped singing and lifted her head to look right at him. Ben felt panic. He hadn't meant to be seen.

 

The little girl seem surprised but not upset. She smiled, showing off rows of milk teeth, and waved at him.

 

Ben felt almost desperate in his need to get away. He sprinted off back into the trees.

 

* * *

 

She kept smiling at him.

 

Having never seen or noticed the girl before seeing her in the glade, she seemed to be everywhere at once now. In the dining halls, in the hallways, in the grounds. She always seemed able to catch his eye.

 

All the other children seemed to know to avoid him. She wasn't the other children.

 

Ben felt confusion bordering on rage. He wasn't doing anything to encourage this. He would avoid eye contact with her and sometimes ran off like he did that first day. She would just be there the next day waiting for him.

 

Master Luke said she was a descendant of the Kenobi family. Obi Wan's granddaughter no less. Luke was insistent that Ben was to be civil to her if he couldn't be kind. She had no other family to speak of after her parents' deaths. The Jedi clearly felt an obligation to give her a family of sorts. Ben felt a bitterness like bile in his throat.

 

He was determined to never acknowledge her after that. She would get the message eventually.

 

He was sat in a classroom reading a holobook alone when the message was unheeded.

 

“Hi.”

 

Ben snapped out of the trance of the story and looked at the door where the voice came from. She looked happy to see him. This immediately made Ben suspicious. No one was ever pleased to see him. This had to be a game.

 

“What you doing?” She tried to stand on her tiptoes to see what Ben was reading. It was one of his old books about Jedi history and not particularly interesting. That didn't stop him from slamming it shut. As though she could read the font from across the room and it was something secret to be protected.

 

“None of your business.”

 

He snatched the book up and went to get up.

 

“Why do you always run away?”

 

It stopped Ben halfway between standing and sitting. There wasn't anything accusatory about her words; just genuinely interested.

 

“I don't run away!”

 

“You do.” She was giggling. “You ran away in the woods and you are going now.”

 

“Maybe I like being on my own! I would really like that right now actually.”

 

“Why? Don't you get lonely?”

 

Ben looked at her. The youngling looked back. Of course he was lonely but he'd been lonely his whole life. How was he going to explain that to a four year old?

 

Instead he grabbed the book and made good on her words: he ran away.

 

* * *

 

Ben was just about ready to smack his head against a tree. This Rey girl may have been tenacious for her age but she couldn't take a kriffin hint.

 

She carried on going into the forest, _his forest,_ and playing with the flowers, climbing trees and exploring the creek beds. She seemed to like exploring. She was always on her hands and knees, crawling around, looking for treasures.

 

She didn't actively try and play with him (her last attempts had been rebuffed enough for her to stop trying so much) but she was always close enough for Ben to hear and sense her. After being alone for as long as he had, it felt unnerving and made him almost jumpy.

 

He was practising moving small objects with the force when things started to change.

 

“How do you _do_ that?”

 

Ben didn't bother jumping anymore.

 

“The Force.” He didn't take his eyes off the small rocks that were bouncing in the air.

 

“I can't do that.” Ben's lips quirked. She almost sounded sulky.

 

“You're a youngling. You don't learn stuff like this until you get older.”

 

“What else can you lift?” She toddled closer to him and sat on an overturned tree. Not quite in front of him but close enough to be in his field of vision.

 

“Heavy stuff.” Ben didn't have the urge to explain that his last attempt had destroyed the temple's energy supply for about three galactic miles. He hadn't attempted to lift heavy things with an audience since.

 

“Lift something heavy!”

 

Oh great…

 

He was tempted to tell her to go away but lately he had been finding his dislike for her and his contempt for her company started to flicker and die out. She was mostly harmless. Persistent but harmless. And the look of reverence in her eyes was refreshing.

 

He let the stones drop and focused his energy. There was nothing heavy around but…

 

That could work.

 

He closed his eyes and let it wrap around…

 

A little shriek of laughter made him open his eyes. Rey was now floating off the tree and was about three feet in the air. Technically she wasn't exactly heavy but, if her laughter and clapping was anything to go by, she didn't seem to mind.

 

Watching her float in mid-air, giggling and squirming from the ticklish feel of the force, made Ben feel a smile quirk on his lips.

 

He felt happy that she was happy.

 

He never made anyone feel happy before. It was different… Good.

 

After that day, he never got upset when she was close by again. And, the next time she invited him to play, he did so without comment.

 

* * *

 

“Your Mum is a princess. Are you a prince?”

 

They were sat next to a stream that was out in the open of the forest. It was one of the only places Ben would go to that wasn't hidden by trees. The sound of running water was calming though.

 

Ben sighed at the question. Rey was always forthright with her questions.

 

“She's not a princess anymore; she's a General. So no, I'm not a prince.” He watched the water wash around the rocks in the stream. “I'm not anything.”

 

“That's not true.” Rey shock her head to alliterate this further. “You're a Jedi.”

 

“Not yet I'm not.”

 

“But you will be. One day.”

 

“Yes, one day.”

 

If ever Ben could describe this little girl, it would be crafty. He didn't quite know how but she had managed to make a companion out of him. She would watch him practise his tricks and was a good audience for him. Her smiles, cheers and claps were the praise he never had anywhere else. Now he had it, he was in no hurry to lose it.

 

Her company was comforting and confusing. She never seemed to mind Ben's temper, awkwardness and unpopularity. They were friends and, for Rey, that was the end of it.

 

Ben had never had a friend before. She was a child, a girl and represented everything he would never be but she was still here. And that meant something to him.

 

It meant she could leave but chose not to.

 

“What about your dad? Is he a prince?”

 

Ben scoffed. “He's many things but not that.”

 

“Han Solo is a hero. All my other friends say so.”

 

“Well, it must be true then(!)”

 

“Is he?”

 

“He's a smuggler. A pirate. A rogue. He just happened to get lucky when he married Mum.”

 

“Don't you like him?”

 

Ben thought it over. “No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because he doesn't like me.”

 

“He's your dad.” As though that made all the difference.

 

“Our family don't have the best track record for liking each other.”

 

“Master Luke says 'Just cause you love someone doesn't mean you like them'.”

 

“It should make it a little easier to though, shouldn't it?” Ben threw a stone in the water causing a splash. He knew he sounded petulant but damn it, shouldn't it really?

 

“It should, I guess.” Rey shrugged. “Adults are weird.”

 

Ben chuckled and let the sound of the stream calm him.

 

* * *

 

The giggle broke through the moment that Ben and Sofie shared. Ben pulled away and turned around. Rey was peeking from behind a tree. She looked amused.

 

“Shoo, go away.” Sofie waved her hand at her, clearly not pleased at being interrupted.

 

Ben looked at Rey. She seemed curious about what they were doing. She'd probably never seen a couple kiss before. Ben felt uncomfortable suddenly. Rey was only little and innocent to the world. He didn't want to expose her to the ugliness of it and all its vices just yet.

 

He had locked his memories of her away from Snoke. Something told him to never ever bring her into his training with the First Order.

 

“You better head back.” Ben sighed and then looked at Sofie. The moment was gone.

 

Sofie looked like she'd been slapped and went to argue but Ben's eyes turned dark and even she knew not to argue when he got that look in his eyes. With a scoff of disgust, she spun away and stomped through the trees, her red hair swaying.

 

With a sigh, he turned to Rey.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“We always play here.” Rey answered coming from around the tree. She looked at where Sofie had walked off. “Is she your girlfriend? She's pretty.”

 

Ben shrugged. “No she's not my girlfriend. I don't want a girlfriend.” He knelt down to eye level with Rey. “Did you tell her I come here?”

 

Rey nodded.

 

“Don't tell anyone else. I don't want anyone else here.”

 

“Why not?” Rey looked confused.

 

“Because...” Because I feel safe hidden away. Because I like that we can just be two children amongst the trees. Because I only trust you. “Because it feels a bit crowded with other people here.”

 

“It's a forest!”

 

“Not a big enough one for three.”

 

Rey giggled as she often did when she thought Ben had said something strange. Ben knew that other people were becoming frightened of him but he would never do anything to frighten this little girl. He'd heard her defend him. Her opinion may not count for much to them but to him…

 

“Come on.” Ben coaxed. “Let's see how your meditation is coming along.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. The second part of the flashback will be the next chapter. I wanted to build a friendship and attachment that was realistic so it needed to be longer than I anticipated. 
> 
> All thoughts are appreciated to make sure I've done it right.


	9. We Bleed The Same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love each and every one of you. Thank you so much!
> 
> This is the final part of the flashback and shows how things came to be. 
> 
> I wrote this to SYML "Where's My Love" 
> 
> I really hope I did the backstory justice.

Ben shot upright in bed, kicking the sheets away from his feet in a blind panic. Lungs desperately needing air and skin damp, the urge to sob was overwhelming.

 

Snoke was getting harder to please. The tasks he had to complete more dangerous. His sleep less frequent. His nightmares far too real.

 

Lying back down on his bunk for a moment, Ben tried to breathe a little less harsh. He was grateful that at the age of fourteen, padawans got their own room instead of the shared quarters that the younglings shared together. The room was sparse and bare (well, his was anyway) but it meant no unnecessary questions. He could have the most bone-chilling dreams and no-one would be any the wiser.

 

It wasn't a comforting thought.

 

He swung his legs off the bed and sat on the edge, head down, gripping the sides. The air was too stale, too bitter and stagnant. It was burning his throat to breathe.

 

A howling of wind could be heard from Ben's chambers. Grabbing his tunic and throwing it on, he left the room and strode through the hallways of the temple. No-one was allowed out of bed at night but rules like that weren't really something he could take seriously anymore.

 

A storm was raging around the temple. The wind was whipping all around him, the rain almost horizontal and relentless, and the dark night standing guard almost oppressively. The air was ice cold though and Ben stepped out into the onslaught. He didn't have on shoes and he was soaked in seconds but that didn't matter. He tipped his head back and let the rain beat against his brow like he was in a fresher.

 

The weather was too wild for him to attempt the woods. Even his haven was closed to him.

 

A flash of light lit the sky and the rumble that followed vibrated through him.

 

“You're going to catch a cold.”

 

Ben could have laughed. He looked back at the entrance of the temple.

 

Rey seemed younger in her sleepwear. Her hair was braided back instead of in buns and her brown cloak almost dwarfed her completely. In a moment of amusement, Ben realised she looked a bit like an Ewok.

 

“Why are you up?”

 

“The storm woke me.” She was clutched a doll dressed as a pilot. “It was… loud.”

 

Ben looked at her.

 

“Did it frighten you?”

 

Rey gave a little shrug. Even at a young age she wouldn't show fear. She was going to be a powerful ally one day.

 

“It's just noise and rain. Storms are good. It's the Earth letting off steam.” Ben explained. Some of his fear and desperation was soothed away. Her innocence was balm to the burn.

 

It was moments like this when he wished Han and Leia had stopped fighting long enough to give him a brother or sister. Someone to protect. Or maybe just that he hadn't been so volatile that he could have kept a friend earlier in his life.

 

Rey stepped out onto the edge of the steps leading down to the gardens. Not quite enough to be out in the storm like him but closer to him.

 

“Are you unhappy?”

 

Such a simple question. A child's directness.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you look tired. And your eyes only smile at me a little bit now. Your mouth never smiles anymore.” Her little hands grasp the doll a bit tighter. “Don't you like me anymore?”

 

_What?_

 

“You've never made me sad, Rey.”

 

“People are scared of you. You keep breaking stuff. Shouting. Why?”

 

“I don't know. I just can't _not_ do it...”

 

“You don't do it when we play together.”

 

Of course he doesn't. Why would he? He's happy then. Safe. He can be with someone who trusts him to be good.

 

“No. I don't.”

 

He doesn't want to look at her suddenly and turns back into the rain. If she had any idea of just how bad he was willing to be… He'd already gone too far.

 

A hand catches his soaking wet tunic and pulls him under the entrance of the temple away from the rain. Another insistent tug and he sits of the steps. He doesn't have anything left in him to resist.

 

“Don’t be sad, Ben.” Then she does something that breaks something in his chest: she wraps her arms around his neck and clutches him. She hugs him. “Don't be sad.”

 

There's something so simple in her words and her actions that Ben lets the tears that he tried to wash off with rain drip down his nose. He pats her back for a while, he doesn't really know what to do, but when she doesn't let go he wraps his arms around her and hugs her back. He's probably crushing her with his grip.

 

She doesn't complain or loosen hers.

 

The storm rages on but the lightening moves further away.

 

* * *

 

The krystal glows darkly in his pale hands. He has been looking at it for a while. He will have to give it up soon. Snoke says it's not powerful enough. He needs something stronger, more potent. An aggressive energy he will have to tame.

 

He feels something akin to loss at having to give it up.

 

The time is approaching to break away. Preparations are made. Other recruits are getting ready.

 

He's afraid.

 

He walks out of his chambers and walks through the temple. He almost wants to take off his gloves and run his hands along the walls. Memorise everything. Every detail. He hasn't got many happy memories or even notable memories of being inside the temple but now that he will have to leave it soon… he just wants to be quiet and remember.

 

No-one interrupts him. Some older padawans even turn around and disappear as he approaches. It still gives him a feeling of power.

 

He is passing a window overlooking the gardens when he hears a shout.

 

“Stop it!”

 

He nearly trips in his haste to stop. Rey…

 

Ben looks out the window. Rey is in the gardens with other padawans her age and it looks like a stand off.

 

“Rey, he's bad.” A little boy of the Torgruta species was imploring her. “He hurts people on purpose. People who cross him. Master Luke can't even control him. He… he might be turning to the Dark Side.”

 

“No!” Rey shouted this and looked like she wanted to cry but wouldn't let herself. “You don't even know him. No one talks to him! Wouldn't you be sad if no one talked to you?”

 

“We can't-”

 

“You can! I did! I talked to him and he's kind to me. He teaches me tricks. He shows me things I don't know. He thinks I can be a good Jedi.”

 

“But that's it!” A little girl pipes up a little older than Rey. “People are saying he's a Sith and you're are going to be his apprentice!”

 

Ben froze. Rage coursed through him. People could believe what they wanted about him but Rey…

 

“Well, I'm not. I don't want anything to do with the Dark Side. And he's not a Sith! That's silly. Ben is my friend and that's that! And I don't care what you say, I'm not leaving him alone. He's always alone!”

 

Ben stepped away from the window and silently went back to his apartments. He kept his face impassive until he closed the door.

 

She'd shown him loyalty and devotion. To turn against friends to defend him…

 

His cries were ugly and heaving. He couldn't let her fall with the temple.

 

He had to think of something. He had to get her away. Far away and anonymous. Snoke hadn't managed to break down the barriers around his memories of her. He'd strengthened them for over a year and practised strengthening them further until the end.

 

Later the night, when she came out into the woods, grumpy but resolute, he showed her the krystal. The look of awe in her eyes was beautiful. He wanted to bask in it for a while.

 

When she said that she would be trained by him, he said yes. And he meant it. He would be a teacher. He would gain strength, would gain trust from Snoke and then take her on under his wing. He would protect her. He would nurture her.

 

He wanted to believe that could happen so badly that in the moment he actually started to convince himself that it was possible.

 

* * *

 

He had found a planet.

 

It was so inconsequential that he hadn't even heard of it until his research.

 

He had found a trader Unkar Plutt who agreed to take her on for a hefty price and the promise that the girl was good at finding things.

 

Rey was easy to coax away. She loved ships and the promise of a ride with a friend had her bouncing up and down with excitement. The helmet she put on was too big for her but she didn't seem to mind.

 

Ben kept her face turned away lest she see his pain.

 

The planet was hot, dry and dusty. Plutt was waiting. Rey was tenacious. She could spot something was wrong the moment she looked from Plutt to Ben.

 

“You're going to stay here for a while.” Ben didn't put it as a request. For his benefit as much as hers. The temptation to snatch her up and take her home was making his palms itch already.

 

“What?” The confusion in her eyes…

 

“It will be safer for you here. I need you to be safe and I can't keep you from danger on my own.”

 

“What danger? What's going on?” Confusion turning to panic…

 

“Rey, I have to go do a job. And you can't have any part of it. Not you. You can work here for a while to earn money to survive but… you have to stay here. And I have to go.”

 

Rey was already grabbing his tunic. “Ben! I don't want to stay! I want to go home. Where are you going? Why can't I come?”

 

“Rey!” His voice raised not in anger but in pleading. “Please. Please trust me. And please… forgive me.”

 

He lifted his hand and touched her cheek. Rey never cried so when his hand came away wet, it shattered the last remnants of his heart.

 

He pulled his hand back and gathered the Force.

 

“Ben-”

 

“ _You will forget me. You will forget your family. You will forget the Force. You will wait here. Until I come back. I will come back. And we can be the family neither of us never had_.”

 

He dropped his hand.

 

Her eyes were wet but dull. Calm. Emotionless. She looked confused.

 

It was done.

 

Ben stood and threw the money at Putt.

 

“Remember the deal. She's not to leave or come to any harm by your hand or anyone else. I will return for her.”

 

The creature grunted and took hold of her arm. She was still too disorientated to notice much. He had five minutes before she came back to a functioning state.

 

He ran back onto the ship and launched into the sky. He was just up in the air again when he heard her.

 

“Come back!”

 

He was in hyperspace when he fell out of the pilot seat and vomited. Heaving and retching, he screamed until all traces of his voice was gone.

 

He breathed as deeply as he could.

 

He would find her again.

 

He would return.

 

They would be together again one day.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Rey's eyes fluttered open. Her head hurt.

 

She was lying on the cell floor and her head was cushioned by something soft. A leg. Her head was in a lap. Her eyes focused and she saw him. Hair wild, eyes wide, skin pale.

 

“Rey? Rey, can you hear me?”

 

She must have collapsed.

 

She walked around in her memories. Seeing his visions had disintegrated the blocks. She could remember… everything.

 

“Rey.”

 

Her eyes focused. Her mouth dry. One word came out.

 

“Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. It's how I grow.


	10. Turn The Other Cheek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A kiss and a cuddle to every one of you. You make me smile every single time. 
> 
> I was listening to Ryan Adams "Wonderwall" while writing this. I also have drunk half a bottle of wine and eaten three Mars bars so I'm currently a bit loopy.

Ben had caught her when she fell. He knew this was a probability when he broke the barriers and let her in. It prompted the memory rub to be reversed and that was too much for even the strongest of minds to deal with while conscious. He held her tightly, her head on his lap, as he rode out the waves of pain. The reinforcements around his mind had been reinforced for so long that even he had to concentrate to remove them from the shadows. Sweat collected on his forehead, he grit his teeth until he tasted metal and waited for it to wash through her.

 

He never let go of her.

 

She woke up. Looked at him. Into him. And called him Ben.

 

He didn't know what else to do. What do you do in these circumstances except cling to the moment? And the only way he could think of was to hold onto her. He lifted her up so her head wasn't on his lap and rested her so she sitting on his lap instead. Her eyes were still on him. She was looking at him. It was like the interrogation room all over again.

 

He wasn't a handsome man, at least not by conventional Naboo standards anyway, and the scar carved across his face didn't help. Yet as she traced his features with her slim fingers, recognition and awe in her eyes, he felt that maybe conventional just wasn't for them.

 

He still saw flashes of her as a little girl. The fierce eyes, stubbornness, loyalty, wide smile when she was happy. But he had seen something else in her and felt something else for her that confused and almost angered him. He saw her as the woman she now was.

 

He had never prepared for what she would be like as a grown woman just like you never think of how you will turn out as an old man. It seemed so much of a paradox it wasn't worth thinking about. But here she was. She was strong, brave and so very beautiful.

 

How did she turn out so bewitching?

 

Now she did not need protecting but he still wanted her at his side. To stand beside him. As his and only his.

 

He'd loved her as a boy loves his only friend and now he loved her in every way you could love another.

 

She let her head fall forward until their foreheads were touching. He felt her breath on his face, warm and sweet smelling and let his hands run up her back.

 

Even now he was inexperienced in the art of comfort. Even now she dismantled the problem like she would parts from an engine. She slid down and lay her cheek on his shoulder, her body folding in his. She was dwarfed by his bulk.

 

“Rey...”

 

“Shhh.” Her voice was drowsy. Her body slumped in his arms, he held on a little tighter. “Just give me this. Just for five minutes. Let's just be like this. Let's just be quiet for a while.”

 

He never was much good at talking. He held on and complied.

 

* * *

 

Rey didn't know how long they actually stayed like that. She may have even slept on his shoulder for a moment or two. Her body felt like it had been through twelve hours of force training.

 

She wanted to stave off anymore questions that she knew needed asking. She wanted to play the coward for once and turn her face away. Bury it instead into his chest, smell the scent of his dark clothes and just feel safe for a while.

 

Because she knew she was safe here. With him. She'd seen indisputable proof that although they had duelled, battled and challenged each other over the last few years he would never want to hurt her.

 

But she wasn't a coward.

 

Trying to stretch and stand, she found her legs were not strong enough for that kind of activity just yet. They buckled and she fell back onto her bum beside him again. He was up and on her before she had time to feel embarrassed.

 

Rey had sneaking suspicion he liked picking her up and carrying her around. He was quite adapt at the old bridal style lift. Scooping her up off the floor, he placed her in a sitting position on the bed. She noticed that her hair had come completely unbound sometime during the physical struggle between them and her fainting. It was long enough to go past her shoulder blades now. It was something of a nuisance to keep out of her face.

 

She didn't miss how he tucked a strand behind her ear before turning away and reaching for the bottle of alcohol they had drunk from earlier.

 

Only a few hours ago in fact. _Force, had it been so recently?_ It felt like a different life.

 

She still managed to take the glass and take a shaky sip when he handed it to her. She tried to steady her hand lest he try and feed her the liquid himself. There was only so much she could take in one night.

 

He knelt down in front of her. Ky- Ben looked like he was waiting for her command.

 

This was Ben.

 

He'd always been Ben.

 

She breathed a steady breath and looked into her glass. What do you say in this situation?

 

“You… grew into your ears.”

 

They both froze. Rey in disbelief that she could have said something so stupid and Ben in … force alone knows…

 

Then he did the last thing she was expecting.

 

He laughed.

 

She watched in the same way he'd watched her play as a child: with intrigue and awe.

 

He bent his head, tucking his chin into his neck while he chuckled and his baritone voice sounded almost dorky in humour. Something about it, from his slightly uneven teeth to his cast down eyes, made Rey ache.

 

“No, I just grew my hair. It was easier.” He replied at last, still chuckling.

 

“You do have great hair.” Rey conceded wryly. Touching it to make her point, she found her hands threading through it leisurely. It occurred to her that she had always wanted to do that even before all this had come out.

 

It was quiet for a moment before she spoke, still threading her fingers through the silky strands.

 

“Luke knew. This whole time. He left that krystal for me to find.”

 

“Yes.” Ben could only sigh.

 

“He knew you were the one to save me. He knew…”

 

“You're wondering why he never told you.” Ben had his eyes nearly closed. Her touch was calming.

 

“It… I could have-”

 

“Nothing would have changed.” It clearly felt strange for Ben to defend the man he betrayed and tried to hunt down for the better part of seventeen years. “You just would have found it harder to fight me. I would have done the same in his shoes.”

 

“But why tell me now?”

 

“I don't know. I really don't know.”

 

“I needed to know. I needed to remember. I feels so good… to know everything.” She let her hand fall away from his hair. Looked at him. Looked at her old friend. “Ben, why did you do it?”

 

His eyes closed again. In pain; not in calmness. “I don't even know anymore. Ambition? Anger? Resentment? All of the above? I don't know. It felt like the only way.”

 

“Snoke worked on you from a boy. I've seen that. I can even understand to a certain extent. But Han...” His eyes squeezed tightly shut. A grimace on his face from the memory. From the act. “Why? He was trying to save you. He _loved_ you.”

 

“I know.” His voice was hoarse. “I know that now.”

 

“You should have known that then!”

 

“But I didn't!” Ben stood up and paced back and forth. “I never saw him from the age of thirteen. He never visited, never wrote, never made contact. By the time I defected I was convinced he was worthless. So when he came out onto that bridge, when he tried to get me to come home… I didn't understand. I still don't. He… touched my face. Right before...” He slumped against the wall all his passion gone. He looked empty. “The moment I realised he truly loved me after all and it was his last. Because of me.”

 

Rey had been sure she had no tears left but Han always inspired them.

 

She stood up finally and walked toward Ben. She stood right in front of him. They just stared at each other for about five seconds.

 

Then she raised her palm.

 

The slap she planted across his face rung out through the cell. His head had shot to the side but otherwise he hadn't moved. He turned back to look at her, his eyes shocked but not surprised.

 

“That's for Han.”

 

Her hand shot out again.

 

“That's for leaving me alone on a junkyard.”

 

Her last blow was on the other side of his face, snapping it back into the centre so he was directly looking at her. It wasn't as hard as the other two which were already making his one cheek an unflattering shade of red.

 

“And that… is for listening to the darkness when you have always had light in you.”

 

Ben was breathing heavily. His brown eyes were nearly black.

 

“I was never going to be a hero, Rey.”

 

“I didn't want a hero. I wanted my friend. There are enough heroes in the galaxy without us two.”

 

She wondered briefly if he _could_ have been a hero. Maybe in another time, in another life, with different circumstances. Who knows, maybe she would have turned to the dark-side, if it had been coaxed into her from a young age.

 

The red of his cheek glares accusingly at her. She reaches up on tip-toes and presses her lips to it.

 

Its only after she pulls her lips away from his cheek, _his warm soft cheek_ , that she realises what she did.

 

And realises she doesn't regret it.

 

In his shock, Ben had turned his head to look at her. Their noses were nearly touching as a result.

 

She had hated herself at times after the interrogation. For how he had made her feel. The anger and the humiliation had hidden something else which she only realised when she had been alone on the island with Master Luke and her thoughts for company. The feel of his breath on her neck, his soft deep voice in her ear, his eyes appraising her all over. It had made her skin feel tight, almost itchy, and hot in places she didn't know you could get so warm.

 

She remembered watching him and Sofie up against that tree. She'd only been little and more curious than anything else at the time. Curious how two people could get so close to each other. Put their lips on the other's. Close their eyes and ignore the world. It seemed almost unnatural.

 

Now standing here it seemed almost instinctual.

 

He tasted of the alcohol, of the tears that had dripped down his face over the course of the night, of a softness that his lips had always promised and something so familiar that she couldn't contain a groan against his mouth.

 

She had no idea what she was doing. She had never known a man like this. Jakku and Jedi training saw that she lived a chaste life. She just followed her Jedi instincts and his lead.

 

His huge hand fisted in her unbound hair, her mouth opened under his and she drank from its depths.

 

Sofie could have his first kiss, Rey decided, she had something more precious. She would have his last.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know guys. I always want to know.


	11. A Flaw in the Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are sweethearts. I can't say how grateful I am for all the feedback
> 
> Warning: this chapter is angst heavy. This addresses many of the comments left about Ben's fate. It was actually painful to write but I think I conveyed what I wanted.
> 
> This was always going to be true to the tags and I haven't removed them. So... here we go.
> 
> I wrote this to Christophe Beck "Sacrifice". A beautiful piece of music. Listen to it if you never have.

Ben thought this might be the closest a person could get to true happiness.

He'd taken her blows across his face without complaint. If anyone deserved them it was him. But to then experience a kiss willingly given from her… and he knew it was her first kiss as well… well, he couldn't think of anyone who deserved it less but he had never been good enough to stop when something felt too good to.

He used both hands to cup her face and taste her. Kriff, she was perfection. He dwarfed her in every way from his height, to his bulk, to the fact his hands easily covered her whole head. Her inexperience was evident but it made it all the better to him.

He had been with women over the years. Sofie had been one of many women who had passed in and out of his life without much noise or impact. The act of sex was an enjoyable one but the intimacy it had entailed had prompted Ben to always redress and depart as soon as was acceptable. Many First Order women were not fans of pillow talk either so it wasn't exactly a hardship.

He had never seen simply kissing for an age as appealing. As you grow older, you lose some of that magic. Now however he could see why Sofie had been so annoyed at being interrupted all those years ago amongst the trees.

Rey's hands were running up his chest, exploring, touching what was on offer. He'd lay himself out like a feast for her if she just gave the word.

He wanted to taste her skin under his lips too. Suckle on her pulse, make the flesh bloom red with possession, feel the thrum of her heart. But the risk of breaking the moment in any way, of alerting her of what she was doing, who she was doing this with, stopped him. He'd rather stick with a good thing that were her lovely lips.

She was the first to break away. It was with a little gasp that was mingled with a disbelieving laugh. She didn't pull away from him in any other capacity. Her hazel eye were reminiscent of his own: black with want.

“So that's what all the fuss is about.”

“Evidently.” They were speaking in whispers. Their words barely a breath on the other's face. Oh, the desire to pick her up and throw her onto that excuse for a bed, to show her exactly what all the fuss was about was palpable.

She stepped back a little and sighed.

“We shouldn't waste time. We haven't got much to spare.”

Ben's instinct to pull her back was stopped by the arrival of confusion.

“'Waste time?'”

“I should go and get supplies. Find a ship. We have a little time but not much. The sun will be up in about five hours I reckon.”

“Rey, what are you talking about?”

“To get away. Get you out of here. Me and you.”

Ben had never felt an extreme change of mood so quick in all his life. From such bliss, such happiness, a taste of all he'd ever wanted to…

Oh no, please no.

Rey was busy tying her hair back into place and moving about the cell with gusto. She didn't see the blood drop from his face.

“I know where they leave certain ships unattended. Well, not unattended but with laxer security than others-”

“Rey-”

“Most of them are just hunks of junk. I've been working on a few in my free time so I know which ones to avoid-”

“ _Rey_ -”

“I doubt I'll be able to get the Falcon out unnoticed. I don't think I could do that to Chewie to be honest but if needs must-”

“ _Rey_!”

“What?”

“Can you hear yourself? What you're saying?”

“I know the security protocols Ben. I know how to get around it all. We can get out of Naboo before they even know what’s happened.”

“No.”

Finally Rey stood still and looked at him. Really looked at him.

“What?”

“I said no.” Ben had an urge to grab the bottle of alcohol and tip his head back until there wasn't a drop left in the bottle. “Rey, nothing has changed. Not really. I'm still sentenced. I'm still guilty of what I did. I'm still going to die.”

Rey looked like she couldn't quite comprehend what he was saying.

“But we can-”

“No we can't.”

“No, listen to me. I've thought about it-”

“In the space of half an hour?”

“Stop it and listen!” Her voice started to crack. She was becoming desperate. She steadied her voice to appear calm. “I've thought about it. We'll get you out of here. I can knock the guards unconscious. I won't hurt them. They are probably awake by now from earlier anyway. We can mask your signature. Find a ship. Most have supplies anyway. We should be okay for take off. We'll find a planet. One far away. So far that no-one will find us. Luke did it, why can't we? We'll blend into society. Not many people know what you look like without your helmet anyway. And those that do… well, they'll be a galaxy away. We can live simply enough. I've done it before. I can do it again. We can start again. Lose our names. Solo and Kenobi? Forget it, we'll just be Ben and Rey. We can try again. Together.”

Her eyes were full of hope. Full of pleading. Pleading with him to see how brilliant it all was.

His eyes must have told her what he thought of it before he opened his mouth.

“It's a nice dream Rey. But I can't see that working in the long run.”

The silence was so loud it was obscene.

“It could work. It could.” Rey sounded so much like her young self Ben flinched. Oh, he knew this was going to happen…

“Okay. Say we do all that. Say by some miracle you manage to sneak out the highest profile prisoner Naboo has ever had onto a ship that even your old employer wouldn't want for parts and get me a few light-years away. What then? You just ignore every instinct you ever had and become a nobody again?”

“I wouldn't be a nobody! I would be-”

“Rey. Yes, I know. But you've been Rey without a surname before and I've seen the anguish you had to live with then.”

“I was alone then. I would have you this time.”

“We find a home. Live simply. You get another job as a scavenger and I become a… pirate like my father before me. Can you honestly turn away from your destiny for a criminal?”

“I could still use the Force in small doses.”

“You're not meant to! You are a Kenobi. By your birth name alone, you are not meant to be ordinary or anonymous. You have power that rivals mine. You are meant to train, become an apprentice, become a master, be a leader. If you turn away from that, for a chance of love no less, you can never go back. Do you think Snoke is just going to stop now? He had others. There are always others. Snoke won't stop until he's stopped. I know you Rey. You are the best chance the Resistance have of ending it all.”

Rey's eyes were sparkling with pain and determination.

“All I ever wanted was a family. I could have that at last. With you.” She stepped closer to him and took his hand. “Ben, we could have a family. Children. We'd never be lonely again.”

The pain in his stomach was tightening at those words but he had to stay strong. She mattered too much.

“It's well established that the Skywalker line make terrible parents. And… our children.” God, just saying it hurt him with longing. “They would have the Force. Kriff knows, they would probably be the most powerful in generations. You would deny them? Because they would have to hide too. No one will ever trust the offspring of two traitor Jedis.”

Rey let go of his hand and stepped back. Ben was struggling to see her through his own eyes. He wouldn't let the water spill until she realised.

“And that's assuming we're not found. Because you know that the galaxy needs justice for what I've done. They were denied it with Vader. They're not going to let me slip through their fingers. They will hunt us. We'll be on the run every day of our lives. Probably have to keep moving. When they find us, which they will, I'll be sentenced all over again if they don't kill me on the spot and you may even be sentenced with me. For treachery. You'll go from being the hero to being reviled. I won't do that to you. I won't ruin your life twice.”

Rey looked like she might collapse again. Ben felt he wasn't far off either.

“What if I didn't come with you? What if I made it look like you escaped alone?” Rey asked.

“I've committed crimes. I've killed people. I killed my own father. There is no going back. I don't want to run anymore. I've run away from things for years. I want to face what needs to be faced. I'm ready Rey.”

They stood facing each other. A stand off worse than Starkiller. The world wasn't collapsing around them but it felt like it was.

“I can't lose you again. I've only just got you back.” Rey wasn't even trying to hide her tears.

“You'll never lose me. The Force means you never truly leave.”

“It's not the same. I can't watch you...” Rey looked like the words choked her. “It's not fair.” She looked at him. “I know there's good in you. I've seen it. I've felt it.”

“Exactly. You've seen it. _You_ know its there. _You_ know who I am. That's good enough for me.”

“But not for me!” Rey shouted. Her grief was now mingled with rage. “I will have to listen to people talk about you as a monster! I'll have to keep my mouth shut as people will look at me like I’m insane if I argue. I'll have to live with never knowing what we could have had.”

Ben closed his eyes. The tears fell down his cheeks. He felt no shame in them.

Rey's breaths were heaving in her chest. She shot forward and clung to his tunic like if she held on tight enough she could still protect him. Ben wrapped his arms around her like he would hide her from the world.

“We have tonight. We have one night. It's more than I ever thought I would have. Stay with me. Until the end.”

Rey's answer came from wrapping her arms around him and letting her cries become muffled. Ben held on broken yet resolute.

They said in his old holobooks that true love means letting someone go. To see them prosper without you. And he'd always liked those stories. It would be nice to be the hero for once. If only once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me! 
> 
> We all want Kylo Ren's redemption (me more than anyone) but Star Wars is heavy on justice. So this fic is dedicated to lost potential and accepting responsibility. Rather than wave a magic wand, share a kiss and all's forgiven. 
> 
> Please give me feedback. And forgive me!


	12. A Dream of an Uninterrupted Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys, oh you guys, you make me smile. 
> 
> I'm sorry for the angst that seems to radiate from this fic but I had the ending before I had the whole story and I have to see it through. I've always loved angst and find that happily ever after can sometimes be hard to come by. Maybe I'm a sadist, I don't know. I have new idea for my next Reylo story and I promise that one will be much happier!
> 
> I wrote this listening to "Close Your Eyes" by Christophe Beck.
> 
> Anyway you may have noticed the rating change so... enjoy.

Rey cried until she felt physical pain and then cried some more. Ben somehow manoeuvred them to his bed where they were now laid. Him on his back and her curled into his side, her head rested on his chest. Her ear against his heart. The steady beats made her choke every time she thought she had finally run dry. It was like they were taunting her.

 

They didn't speak.

 

Rey tried to remember getting up this morning. Rising with the sun. Doing her hair. Contemplating what she might say to Kylo Ren. What she would say to Finn when he found out. If she could maybe fit in some maintenance on other ships before she paid her visit.

 

Such trivial thoughts. They were from another life.

 

The next sunrise she sees will be the worst of her life.

 

She sniffs and tries to bury her face in Ben's tunic. Tries to inhale as much of his smell while she still can. Contemplates asking what he uses in the fresher so she can stock up on it in bundles and have his scent with her forever if nothing else.

 

“It's not fair.” She whispered. She doesn't even know herself whether she means Ben to hear.

 

“It's justice. Can't get much fairer than that.” He replied.

 

“To hell with justice. If this is what justice is, I can do without it.”

 

“Rey, you need to remember what I became. What I've done.”

 

“I know what you've done. I'm not likely to ever forget it. I'm not even saying I forgive it. But I've never wanted you dead. Even after Han. In the snow, I may have scarred you but I couldn't kill you.” She raised her head so she was looking up at him. “There must be another punishment that wouldn't be so… terrible.”

 

“Like what? House arrest? Way too risky. Even in this cell, I'm a liability. I can never be trusted to join the Resistance. Not even my mother would vouch for me on that score and for once I don't blame her.”

 

“I would vouch for you.”

 

“What would back you up? That thanks to me reversing a force spell categorized to the dark side you can remember climbing trees with me when you were five and therefore I'm clearly misunderstood?” He might have been trying to bring some humour to the circumstances but Rey wasn't laughing. He pulled her tighter against him when he saw the look on her face. “You know in your heart this is what needs to be done. Just like I knew in mine when they captured me what was going to happen. For what it's worth, I'm not afraid. I feel calmer than I have in years. There are worse things than death, Rey.”

 

“What about the ones that are left behind?” Rey rasped, staring at the wall. “What about them? Where do I go from here?”

 

“Forward. Train new Jedi. My uncle will never try again. It falls to you now. Nurture younglings. Bring balance. And kill Snoke for me.”

 

“I will. If it kills me, I'll end him.”

 

“Thank you.” It was barely a breath but Rey heard.

 

They lay in silence for a while.

 

Ben spoke again after a while. “I'm sorry for all I've done. Truly. If I could go back...”

 

“I know.” Rey sighed.

 

“I would have been more patient. In every lifetime, I'll have a temper but I would have been calmer in the pace of my training. I wouldn't have been so vain.”

 

“If anyone else had had Snoke whispering in their ear at the age you did, they would have turned as well.”

 

“You wouldn't have. Snoke could have tried to coax you every day for three decades and you would have swatted him away like an insect every time.”

 

“You don't know that.”

 

“I do. You were always the light that called to me.”

 

Rey sniffed back more tears and fought hard to stay calm.

 

“You would have been a great asset to the Jedi. No, I mean it!” She insisted when Ben scoffed, “You could have led the Grey Jedis they talk about in the archives.”

 

“Their methods were questionable too.”

 

“Be that as it may, they were noble and worked for the greater good.”

 

“Jedis can't marry. Can't love. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a Jedi.”

 

“That was in the old days. Things change with time.”

 

“Not that much. There was too much Vader in me after all.”

 

“There was good in him too. He loved Padme. Truly loved her.”

 

Ben breathed deeply.

 

“I would have given you a family. A big one if I had my way.”

 

“I wonder what they would have been like?” Rey whispered.

 

“Always up to mischief more than likely.”

 

Rey chuckled. “Sounds about right.”

 

“I keep imagine girls with black hair and your fighting nature. Force, I probably would have gone mad anyway, trying to keep them safe.”

 

“Girls? Why girls?”

 

“I've no idea. Just get the feeling that we would have mainly had daughters. I feels right somehow.”

 

Rey thought about it and smiled. “I know what you mean. We might have had boys too though.”

 

“Probably. I wouldn't have cared either way. Boy, girl, they would have still been ours. I would have liked to have done it right. Show that Skywalkers are capable of raising children. Like I said, a complete fantasy.”

 

“Might have been a bit intense when they got to the teenage years. When all our daughters started bringing home boys.”

 

“No boys.” Ben stated. “Not ever.”

 

Rey laughed. For a moment, all she felt was mirth at the idea of Ben scaring away potential admirers of his daughters with a mere look and flash of his saber. Anyone who would have tried would have to go through tasks reminiscent of the Jedi trials. Or simply have a death wish. She let herself giggle for a moment before realising Ben was quiet. Looking up at him, his face was wearing an expression of awe.

 

“What?” Rey asked.

 

“I've… I've never heard you laugh. Really laugh. As a woman.”

 

“You must have.”

 

“No. I've heard you scoff at me but… never laugh.” He reached out and tucked a stray hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear. “I never thought I would either.”

 

“It was strange hearing you laugh too.” Rey admitted.

 

They just looked at each other for a while, drinking in having the other so close.

 

“I'll never marry. Or have children. If I can't with you, if I have to be a Jedi, then I'll follow the old ways of the Jedi. I'll live alone.” Rey stated. If felt almost like a vow.

 

“You could meet someone. Someone to look after you.” It sounded weak probably even to Ben.

 

“No. I can survive without anyone looking after me. So I will.”

 

Ben's arms tightened around her and Rey turned into his chest. Letting her hand drift over his chest muscle, she suddenly felt a longing that she had never had until she met him again.

 

Rey thought it over and then acted.

 

Reaching up, she undid one of the clasps of Ben's tunic.

 

“Rey, what are you doing?”

 

She kept moving. Another clasp. And another.

 

She felt him tense. It clearly didn't need explaining.

 

“Rey, we can't.”

 

“I'll never marry or have children. Never be as close to a man as this.” Still her fingers kept moving, working, undoing. “I can't have any of the things I want with you. Except this. We can have this. If you want it.”

 

She refused to look at him unless her courage escaped her. Finally her fingers undid all the clasps and she pushed the material away.

 

She loved his shoulders. His broad frame had always made her irritable in a strange itchy kind of way when she thought about it. Now it was laid out before her and she had never felt less inclined to complain in her life.

 

Hands grasped the top of her arms and she was forced to look. Look at him. Everything about him looked barely tamed. From his hair, to his eyes, to his breathing. She never knew such a volatile nature could do so much for her. But it did. The things she felt for him had been scary at first. Unnerving to her. Now she felt a sort of acceptance of it. Helped by the fact he clearly felt something akin to her own need.

 

“We can't. What if you-”

 

“I won't. Resistance have a medi base.”

 

The contraceptive implants given out on the old base seemed a practical idea at the time. She hadn't so much as look at any men on base with lust but it was always good to be sensible, she'd reasoned.

 

Plus if it got him to agree...

 

“You never have...” Ben didn't need to finish.

 

“Never.”

 

“But you want to.”

 

“I want to experience a taste of that fantasy. If only once.”

 

And to illiterate what she wanted, she swung her leg over his hips and straddled him.

 

Any hint of hesitation disappeared.

 

He sat upright so quickly, Rey had to grab hold of his shoulders to keep herself upright. His breath was on her face again. He was so close she could see the hazel around his irises. Clinging to him with her arms almost around his neck, she tasted his mouth again.

 

Their first kiss had been an exploration. A test of the waters.

 

This one was was about claiming. It was more hungry and Rey had always hated hunger. Knew that you had to sate yourself to survive. Oh kriff, she loved his lips. They were made for kissing.

 

As good as he tasted, she knew she wanted to finally see all of him. She pushed his open tunic off his shoulders and let her arms wander down his back.

 

She heard something tear and give around her waist. The loosening of her own tunic alerted her to the fact that her belt had been torn off. The air bit at her exposed flesh as her tunic followed her belt to the floor.

 

Rey had never been particularly thrilled by the prospect of her own body. Years of living on the bare minimum on Jakku had left her with a skinny frame that was almost boyish. Training under Master Luke and a healthier diet had made her less brittle looking but hardly curvaceous. A flash of doubt shot through her. The man under her had nearly ten years on her and she wasn't naive enough to believe he had been celibate for all his time under Snoke. His power had probably bought him into contact with many beautiful women. Would he take one look at her and find her wanting?

 

The pause that followed her loosing her top almost confirmed her worst fears before Ben growled low in his throat and latched his mouth onto her neck. Rey gasped. She had no idea what he was doing but it felt good. She had never realised someone having contact with her neck could feel so good. She shuddered as she felt his tongue trace to the dip between her neck and shoulder and… oh Kriff, did she just cry out loud?

 

Rey threaded her fingers in his hair and tugged, making him growl again.

 

She wanted him. Force, she had wanted him for years before any of this had even come out. She always wanted this. Her fingers through her hair, his mouth attacking her, skin against skin. She knew they weren't the most conventionally attractive couple, but she found herself believing that he found her beautiful when he held her like this. And anyone who thought he was anything less than utterly desirable didn't understand a thing about passion, Rey decided. Passion is what makes a man. And this one had it in spades.

 

Their trousers were pulled off somewhere along the line. Rey barely noticed. Between his lips doing their own exploring of her body, and the discovery that her neck, ears and underside of her breasts were indeed very sensitive, Rey felt like she was losing her mind.

 

She felt another wave of self-consciousness when she felt Ben trailed his fingers along her lower lips. She'd never done much touching of her body. Her days had always ended in exhaustion and a need to sleep. When she had tried, it had felt good in places but it felt like she was teetering on the edge of something she couldn't quite reach.

 

It felt different when it was someone else doing it. When he did it. Giving someone else the control made every brush and rub heightened. When he started playing with the front of groin and toying with the bump hidden beneath (the one that had felt good when she had tried exploring), she shook almost violently and grasped him down below.

 

She feared at first that she had caught him too tight from the groan that broke free but the look of almost benediction on his face alerted her that maybe he didn't mind.

 

She stayed straddling him when he placed himself at her entrance. There was a certain comfort in being in control. She tried not to think about how he was going to fit (the broadness of him clearly applied everywhere) and tried to convey her trust in him through her eyes.

 

Trust in this was all she could give him now.

 

It hurt, as she sat down upon him, as she felt something tear and give. She breathed deeply and focused. She was used to pain. She persevered as she finally took all of him in. She closed her eyes and breathed in and out deeply. Despite the ache it had created, there was something all consuming and almost a relief to be joined to him like this.

 

Her virginity was his and it felt good to know as she knew he would take care of it.

 

The pain ebbed and the desire to move grew. Opening her eyes, she looked down on him. Her face was flushed and his fringe was sticking to his forehead. He looked like he did when she had resisted him in the interrogation. Like he was fighting for control. There was no anger in his eyes this time.

 

She rocked slowly and probably a little stunted. She wasn't so naive that she didn't know the basics. She worried that it was a bit clunky for him and that her inexperienced showed. His breathing was turning more to contained gasps. She was starting to feel a tingling down below and forgot to worry for a while.

 

They must have moved like that for a long time. All she knew was the more she moved, the less she noticed any pain and the more emboldened she felt. Little hiccups of exertion kept escaping her and Ben's gasps weren't quite so contained.

 

A reckless wild part of Rey suddenly wished the implant wasn't in her arm. She suddenly wished that this would end with a piece of Ben she could keep. A piece of them both. A piece of the fantasy life they could have had if their names didn't hold so much weight. Let it be the ruin of her; she couldn't think of a sweeter ruin.

 

The knowledge that she could never have that made her move faster, harder, more aggressive. The grief she had tamped down was rising again and she needed to race away from it by racing towards that feeling that had eluded her for so long.

 

Ben's hands were bruising on her hips as his thrusts became more aggressive, more primal. His control was slipping and he wasn't even trying to be quiet anymore. It didn't matter as Rey wasn't either.

 

It felt like a cup overflowing. Rising and rising and then spilling over. Through her. Within her. Rey didn't know whether to gasp, laugh, cry out or be silent. It was made all the better by the feel of Ben coming to a finish inside her. She could feel the vibrations and tremors along with his drawn out groan.

 

Suddenly drained, she lifted herself off, wincing with both loss and a lingering burn, and lay beside him. She noted there was a spot of blood between her legs. Somehow it felt good to see.

 

They lay together catching their breaths. Neither knew what to say and neither wanted to spoil the moment. After a moment, they turned a looked at each other and knew words weren't necessary.

 

They were here, they were together and they were alive. And that was enough.

 

* * *

 

Rey had fallen into an exhausted sleep not long before Ben found himself drifting.

 

He must have only slept for an hour but he woke up feeling more rested than he had in years.

 

In the space of a night, so much had happened, been revealed, been said.

 

Being with Rey, being together, being her first… he didn't know how to explain it. Not without sounding like a lunatic. Then again, most people would say something about spaceships sailing so…

 

He didn't realise until about five minutes in that he could see the room without candles.

 

Light was peaking through the cell window.

 

Dawn had broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... I'm horrible.
> 
> Let me know guys. I love each kudos, comment and bookmark. And I always want to know.


	13. Do Not Go Gently into that Good Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written and rewritten this about twelve times and I think it's as good as it will ever be. 
> 
> Thank you for all the support, all the comments, all the kudos. I've started a new project "The Descendants" which is a total change of pace from this one but I hope some of you might still enjoy.
> 
> Here we go...

Ben slowly put on his garments piece by piece. He always had taken care to look as put together as possible. It had shown the world he was in command even when inside he had been falling apart for years. This morning he took special care with his black clothing.

 

It didn't feel too different from going into battle.

 

Ben Solo started to disappear behind the layers. They didn't want Ben Solo dead. They didn't even know who that was. Kylo Ren had to mount the scaffold. So that's who he let himself become.

 

Rey had been forced to make a dash for it from the cell once the sun had risen. She had clung to him and he was worried she might plead with him to run again, but with tears in her eyes she left with a promise that she would see him before it happened.

 

He stood before the mirror and pulled on his gloves as the finishing touch. Appraised himself. He was ready.

 

The cell door opened behind him.

 

He was greeted with Dameron, a stocky man of about fifty years with muscles like grapefruits and the General herself.

 

God, was she really always so small?

 

There was a silence before Dameron started.

 

“This is Kelan Ru.” He gestures to the burly man. “He will be the one who...” He trailed off. For rebels, the prospect of an organised death was clearly not sitting well with them. Ben almost felt the beginnings of pity. Almost.

 

He nodded and surveyed the man. He looked the most at ease of the lot. That was encouraging.

 

“Have you done this before?” Ben needed to know what to expect.

 

“A few times. Nothing as public as this but...” The elder man shrugged and sighed. “I know how to do it cleanly and quickly.”

 

“How? What will be done?”

 

“By saber. It seems fitting.” Kelan's eyes looked at the young man in front of him. He was clearly finding the legend of Kylo Ren and Ben's own unmasked appearance a bit of a challenge to grasp. “I will place the saber to your back where your heart is located on the other side. Press the button. It will be over in seconds.”

 

“No decapitation?”

 

“No.” Ben looked to the side. His mother shook her head. “No. Not that. I can't...” Leia Organa straightened and looked to her companions. “Would you leave us a moment?”

 

“Of course.” Dameron shot to the door, Kelan not far behind. The cell door shut.

 

Ben and Leia sized each other up.

 

“When did you get so tall?” Leia asked, looking her son up and down.

 

“I've been this height since the age of sixteen.”

 

“You always were tall for your age as a boy but…” She trailed off. Looked up at him.

 

“Why do you want to speak to me?”

 

“Because I can't leave things as they are. Not now. Not when this is it.”

 

Ben nodded. “You and Luke left that krystal. You made Rey remember.”

 

Leia nodded.

 

“Why?” Ben hissed. “Do you think this is better? Do you think the girl hasn't suffered enough?”

 

“Any pain she experiences now will be nothing if she found out later on.”

 

“You mean you were worried she might hop over to Snoke and ask for lessons?”

 

“Stop it.” Leia spat. “Don't make this like I wanted to hurt her. Hurt you. I wanted her to remember for both of you. Can you honestly say you hate the fact she knows now? That you were friends? That there was love in you?”

 

“You kept it from her long enough. You could have kept it secret indefinitely.”

 

“No I couldn't. Life doesn't work like that. I wouldn't be standing here if it did.”

 

Ben sighed. “I'm sorry.”

 

Leia looked at him. Right at him. Searching for something he couldn't identify.

 

“I'm sorry for what I did. All of it. Especially for Han. For… Dad.” It felt strange to say even now. “If only for what losing him did to you, I'm sorry.”

 

Leia looked like she was almost swaying and then stepped close to him.

 

Ben couldn't move throughout it all. Not when she raised her arms and wrapped them around the middle. Not when her grip on him tightened. And not when her head was against his chest.

 

“And I'm sorry. That I didn't do this enough when I had the chance.”

 

Ben moved then. He slumped and wrapped his arms around his mother's shoulders. Her arms came up around his. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he clung on.

 

He was sick of parting with people on bad terms. Just once, if only with the only two women he had ever allowed into his life, he would like to part on terms of his own.

 

He held his mother and let the world be the world.

 

* * *

 

Rey stood in the throne room. The view of the steps was one of the best in city. A crowd had gathered.

 

Poe and Finn had come to talk to her when they heard she was out of the cell. Wanted to know what happened. Why were the guards disorientated? Why were her eyes bloodshot? What was said? What was done? Questions, questions, always questions. She wouldn't speak. She just shook her head and kept looking out the window.

 

Noon came. The doors to the throne room opened. Leia Organa led her son into the room. Resistance soldiers stood not far behind.

 

Rey looked at the General. She had always respected this woman. Over the course of the night she had wanted to strike her across the face for all that she could have prevented but didn't. Now she noticed there was a new atmosphere between mother and son. Not comfortable by any means but like a truce. Like both were tired and were banded together for strength.

 

Rey would now take her own strength.

 

She had a plan. It couldn't save him but it could give her a reason to fight.

 

It would give him a legacy.

 

“I can only give you ten minutes. We will be outside.” Leia nodded to Rey in salutation and almost acceptance of Rey's pain. Leia wore a similar brand inside her chest.

 

The throne room closed. Ben looked at Rey.

 

There was not a moment to waste.

 

Rey lifted her sleeve revealing her forearm. A bandage was wrapped snugly around her bicep.

 

Ben looked at it in confusion and then dawning realisation.

 

“Rey-”

 

“You say move forward. And that's what I will do. But I can't do it alone. I need someone by my side. And if that can't be you...”

 

Ben was shaking his head.

 

“You have a destiny-”

 

“And I will fulfil it. I will kill Snoke. I will bring balance. I will do all you asked. This is what I ask of you in return.”

 

“I can't. If anyone finds out-”

 

“Then I will tell them. Tell them that you loved me and you had good in you. That's what I will tell them.”

 

Ben stared at her and she projected everything towards him. All her love. All her hopes. All her dreams.

 

_Please. Please give me this._

 

She got her answer with Ben grabbing her face and claiming her mouth in a ferocious kiss.

 

 _I need something in exchange._ _I need you to do something._

 

He projected onto her what he needed.

 

Rey jerked away but Ben kept a firm grip on her face.

 

_Please. If you love me, if you want to spare me, then do as I ask. My last wish._

 

“I can't. I can't” Rey gasped.

 

“Please. For me. For them.”

 

Rey hadn't bargained on this. She couldn't. It would destroy her.

 

But wouldn't the alternative be just as painful? If she was forced to watch...

 

_Will you help me?_

 

Rey looked at him. Into those dark eyes. Ben's eyes.

 

For a full moment, she said nothing. Then finally whispered, “Anything.”

 

Ben kissed her forehead. She could feel the relief coursing through him.

 

She grabbed his hand and placed it against her stomach. It had been about six hours since they had lain together. There was still time.

 

She felt his force signature crackle around her. His power still overwhelmed her. She felt the power of their combined senses rush through her like a wave. He was everywhere and she wanted to savour this moment.

 

There was every chance this might not work but…

 

Ben inhaled sharply. Her eyes shot open.

 

She'd felt it too.

 

It was there. Faint but there.

 

She looked up at him. They stared wide eyed at each other and then down at her stomach.

 

They'd done it.

 

The Skywalker legacy would live on through them both.

 

Ben's eyes locked with hers. He projected onto her again what he needed her to do.

 

Rey closed her eyes as the tears spilled down her face.

 

“I love you.” It was the first time she had said it.

 

Ben smiled. “I know.”

 

* * *

 

Leia was trying to keep her breathing steady as she waited for Rey and Ben to emerge.

 

How was she going to do it? How was she going to watch him die?

 

She was a General. It was her duty.

 

She had never hated her duty more.

 

She was alerted by a soldier that five minutes was up and five to go when she felt it. The Force signature she was so attuned with flared.

 

Flared bright and warm and coursing through her. Happiness. Pride. Joy.

 

She looked at the door. She'd never… Ben had never felt those emotions so potently.

 

Leia closed her eyes. Basked in the warmth. It lasted two minutes. Two glorious minutes.

 

Then a shard of ice pierced her insides.

 

Leia staggered and fell. Dameron caught her.

  
“General!”

 

Leia was racing back to her feet. “The door. OPEN THE DOOR!”

 

The soldiers punched in the code and the doors shot open.

 

The glow of the blue lightsaber was still ignited. It filled the room. Like it filled her son's chest.

 

Ben was still standing but barely. Rey was in front of him, her saber still gripped in her hand. Ben's hands were grasped around it too. Like he had helped her hold it in place. Rey's anguish clear to see.

 

Looking into Rey's eyes, Leia heard him say:

 

“Thank you.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention I was sneaky?
> 
> God, it hurt to write this one. But I had to give Rey something to keep going. And it's just as important to keep the Skywalker legacy going as the Jedi one. Conception can happen up to 48 hours after sex apparently and with a combination of their Force strengths it could strengthen the chances of conception. If a child can be born of the force without a father like Anakin Skywalker, I don't see this as too much of a stretch. Plus its original take on a Reylo baby if nothing else.
> 
> As for Ben's last request... it was always going to happen. It was the biggest mercy Rey could have granted him rather than throwing him to the crowd. 
> 
> I'm off for a good cry.


	14. Epilogue: Fourteen Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. 
> 
> This fic has drained me to the core. Don't think I will ever write one with this much angst again. I can't thank you all enough for your support. Check out my other fic if you want something a little lighter. It will have angst but not this much. And no more sad endings ever again.
> 
> I've written this to give it something of a happier vibe. I hope it works.
> 
> I wrote this to Red "Pieces" which is a great song for Reylo.

There were always places to play in a palace. Most of the rooms had been abandoned a long time ago and some had thick layers of dust. The most fun areas to explore were the ones that you had to be a certain height and size to explore.

 

Most of the Resistance didn't even bat an eyelid when the two younglings would run through the halls and see how far they could skid along the polished floors without falling. Even some of the old stuffier members of the Resistance found it difficult to be too angry at them. The twins had a certain twinkle in their eyes that made even the sternest chancellor just want to shake their head wryly.

 

But there was one room that they disagreed on: the throne room

 

The boy, Han, didn't want to ever go in there. The girl, Annii, kept going back to the door and wanting to go in.

 

“Why would you want to go in there?” The boy demanded from his twin sister one night. The old argument had been revisited enough times between the two siblings. “We know what happened in there.”

 

“I know that,” Annii snapped at her brother turning over in her bunk to glare at him, “of course I know! But I feel a pull to it. He… he might still be in there.”

 

“He's not! You know he's not. I can't feel anything and he wouldn't just come to you now, would he?”

 

Annii shook her head. Han could be sensitive at times and, as much as his reluctance irked her, she didn't want to hurt him. “He wouldn't show himself to one and not the other.”

 

“He would go to Mum first. And that’s another thing. What if we go in there and she finds out? It's the one place in the palace we've been told under no circumstances ever to go.”

 

“You're making it out like I'm doing it to hurt people!” Annii cried, her eyes prickling. “I just want to know him better. He was our father!”

 

Her brother looked at her with a mix of pity and understanding. Annii turned away from him. She didn't need pity.

 

She heard him climb from his bunk and sit next to her. “I'm sorry. I do understand, believe me, I do.” Han patted her shoulder awkwardly.

 

“I just want to know him. _Him._ Not the stories… he can't have been that bad. Mum would never have… if he was.” Annii sniffed then hastily wiped her nose. She hated crying. It made her feel weak.

 

Han felt tempted to point out that he had at one point been that bad and that's why they had bought him back here. Why their Mum had been forced to kill him just to save him a public execution. But as much as his sister wanted to always be the brave one some things not even she could hear again without losing the battle with tears. And Annii would make your life hell if you ever made her cry in front of you. So he just patted his sister awkwardly until calm resumed between them.

 

* * *

 

It stayed relatively quiet between the two of them after that.

 

Annii had always been the more confident of the twins. Maybe it came from being the oldest by two minutes. Han had always somewhat more reserved, a deeper thinker, and less inclined to get into trouble than his sister.

 

They resembled each other immensely. Both had dark brown, almost black, hair and a smattering of freckles on their faces. Their eyes were hazel and both were tall for their age. Against normal convention, Annii kept her hair quite short. It barely brushed her shoulders. Han's was quite long as well but more due to lack of motivation to do anything with it. They had also inherited their mother's ability to explore everything and had found themselves on the roof of the palace more times than could be counted. When asked why on Earth they wanted to go up there, the answer always seemed to be “You never know what you might find.”

 

They both had different strengths. Annii was an extremely gifted swords-woman with her saber while Han could meditate extremely well. He was able to lift very large items without too much trouble. It suited who they were.

 

Han was the thinker. Annii was the fighter.

 

It wasn't that Han wasn't curious about their father, of course he was, he was human. It's just that he was also wary of defending a man he only really knew by stories he had read about. And none of them were particularly complimentary.

 

Han and Annii had only ever heard the stories of Kylo Ren.

 

Their father had another name that their mother would sometimes whisper when she thought she was alone.

 

Ben.

 

Neither he nor Annii knew who Ben was.

 

Their mother Rey was still young and travelled with the Jedi Temple a lot. She was trying to rebuild and defeat Snoke where he stood. It seemed to be the singular goal of her life. She would come back to base as much as she could though and never failed to throw her arms around them both. Even when they got to the age of twelve and would squirm out of her grip, embarrassed.

 

They spent their time under the tutelage of their Great-Uncle, Master Skywalker. He was a solitary man by nature but, in his own way, was loving to the twins.

 

The first thing he had taught them was the art of patience.

 

It was the one lesson he should have taught first, apparently.

 

Their grandmother Leia Organa tried to see them at least once a day. The General was sometimes very busy with the Resistance pilots but that rarely bother them. Annii seemed enthralled by the air crafts and Han would sit in the control room to see how it all worked from the ground. Han was probably the one who spent the most time with his ageing commander grandmother. They were similar in the way of sometimes preferring to sit together and not talk. They would just watch the skies or the signals on the control panel.

 

His grandmother once commented that it was a cosmic joke that the most serious member of the family was named after the least serious. Han didn't quite understand but the chuckling growl from Chewbacca indicated it might have been a joke about a past life.

 

Annii liked to tinker with engines and learn how to fix things. Rey had taught her a lot of what she knew herself. Annii loved fighter ships. She only ever stopped talking when Poe Dameron would walk by. Even now in his mid-forties, he was devastatingly handsome, so much so that even Annii would drop her eyes and blush if he so much as looked at her.

 

Rey would mumble something about “If only he'd known...” before laughing sadly.

 

The twins were surrounded by people at all times but most importantly they had each other. They squabbled, fought at times, and would team up to get something they both wanted. At fourteen years old, they had never experienced loneliness.

 

Rey considered that a job well done.

 

* * *

 

Of course, some issues can't stay buried forever.

 

Annii would always slow in front of the doors of the throne room every time before walking away. She did it more out of loyalty than trepidation.

 

Han and her would often play out in the streets of Naboo with the other children. It was important to play with other children their own age, their mother would reason, sometimes shooing them out the door.

 

They were talking with their friends when Annii overheard two men talking.

 

“I was standing here that day. It's a good view from the steps.”

 

“All the good it did you(!) He never even left the palace!”

 

Annii sat up and even Han turned his head a little to hear what was being said.

 

“The Kenobi girl killed him apparently. Stabbed him. She was in love with him, of course.”

 

“Ha!” One of the men snorted, “got herself knocked up with his kids too. The coward should have come out here and faced us. Instead of hiding behind his mother's skirts.”

 

A sudden wave knocked the two laughing men clean off their feet. As it did everyone in a twenty feet radius of Annii.

 

Han groaned and sat up. People were running away and those who had been knocked back were trying to gather themselves. No-one was hurt but shaken.

 

Annii was the only one standing and she was as white as a sheet.

 

She sprinted off back to the palace before Han could stop her.

 

Darting through the secret passages to the palace, Annii tried to outrun what she had just done. She hadn't meant that to happen. She'd just wanted them to stop. Stop talking about something they knew nothing about.

 

Suddenly her temper scared her.

 

Almost on instinct, she found herself back in front of the throne room. Gritting her teeth, she put her hand to the door.

 

All she had to do was use the Force to unlock it. Then maybe she could know him a little better. If he was still there. In some semblance.

 

Her mother's face flashed through her head. She asked so little of them. Only this she had ever denied them.

 

Han would be furious.

 

_What's one step further girl?_

 

Annii's hand shot away from the door and she whipped round. There was no one there.

 

_Your powers are greater than theirs. You must know how to use them. Your father knew. You could be just like him._

 

Annii started to hyperventilate. It was _him_.

 

Snoke.

 

“Annii?”

 

Spinning around, she saw her brother running towards her. He took one look at his twin and caught hold of her.

 

He couldn't fix this alone.

 

* * *

 

Rey was stunned to see her daughter crying. Annii made a point of never crying. Catching around her and holding her close, she whispered gently to tell her what happened.

 

The story left Rey cold as stone.

 

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” Annii sobbed, “I didn't mean to do it. And don't know how he got in my head. I don't want to turn to the dark side. I don't want to be a monster.”

 

Rey shushed her, running her hands through her daughter's hair. “You are not a monster. You chose not to go in that room even though you really wanted to. And you knew it was wrong when Snoke spoke to you. We all have darkness inside us. All of us. Even me.”

 

Han sat down beside his mother and sister.

 

“Why did you want to go in there anyway?” Rey asked.

 

Annii sniffed. “I just want to know him. The _real_ him.”

 

Rey closed her eyes. She had been foolish. Must the Skywalkers always do this backwards?

 

“Then the fault is mine. You both should know him.” Putting her arm around her son, she looked at them both. “Tomorrow we will take a trip.”

 

* * *

 

They took the Millennium Falcon the next day with Rey and Chewbacca flying the ship. Annii and Han were both quiet from yesterday's events and also in anticipation. They hadn't taken a trip alone with their mother for years.

 

The island they landed on was green and more or less inhabited by anyone else. There was an old temple that look abandoned a long time ago. Rey didn't lead them to that though.

 

She led them into the trees.

 

The forest was large and imposing around them. The smell of greenery assaulted the senses. A stream ran amongst the trees. A gentle trickle echoed out from the gushing water.

 

Rey kept walking with her children following behind for a time before stopping at a certain tree. It was a spot where the sun could not break through the trees.

 

There was a feeling here that gave Annii and Han pause. It felt… warm. Nurturing. Almost proud.

 

“This is where me and your father used to play. When we were younglings. This is where I first met him. He was Ben Solo then. He was a lonely boy. Unhappy. But here… with me,” she put a hand on the bark of the tree, “… he was happy.”

 

Annii looked around her. Han just looked at his mother.

 

“Your father wasn't perfect. He had choices and he chose poorly. But there was love in him. And he loved you both. He knew of you for the shortest time but I know it was his happiest moment.”

 

Rey looked at her twins. His twins. They resembled him in so many ways.

 

“I bought him back here. After...” She looked down at the ground, her pain clear. “I bought him here to rest. I've only been back here twice. When you were both a few days old and now.”

 

Rey looked at them both. Her babies. Her family.

 

“You both have light and dark in you. Its what you choose to do with that power that defines you. And there was light in him even at his worst.”

 

* * *

 

Rey sat down at the stream and let her children explore the forest. It doesn't make up for everything but it is a start. In time she will tell them more stories about the things he taught her, the gentleness he showed her, how he saved her.

 

She looked up.

 

A figure was standing on the other side of the stream. Somewhat translucent and with a glow, he was dressed in brown and beige. Clothing he hadn't wore since he was fourteen. It made him look so young. Even younger with the smile that crooked his mouth.

 

All instinct to run to him had to be fought. This wasn't about her. It was for them.

 

The sound of their laughter as they played on unaware filled the forest once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End scene.
> 
> Let me know and may the force be with you.


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